brief moments of clarity.

Next in Line, Please....!!

2011-10-11T11:48:00.002-04:00

I find myself asking, “What will You do with me?”
“…What will I do with You?”

It took five years, a wedding, three jobs and a lot of frustration for my thick little head to realize it. I’ve always loved the Over the Rhine line… “This ain’t no dress rehearsal, I’m a very lucky girl.” I’ve quoted that very line a number of times in relation to a number of situations, and yet, it’s now, at 25, that I’m finally realizing the good fortune that’s been granted me. I could go on about all the ways it plays out, but there’s one in particular I’m thinking about today. That day in 2007 when I first walked across the bridge over the Massacre River. It was July, and hot as hell. Literally. I actually think hell might be that temperature. I was melting, and as a result, somewhat miserable and unable to concentrate. And yet, that midsummer day easily numbers among the best days of my life. It changed me forever.

If you’ve spent any time with me, you’ve probably heard me tell the story. I was in college, and had started a social awareness group at my school. I was particularly interested in children’s rights issues, and a friend’s family generously and serendipitously offered to pay for me to go to Haiti, to see a friend of theirs who ran a children’s center just across the Dominican border. I was as naïve as could be, but eager, and when I walked across the bridge from the DR to Haiti, it was not just the heat burning in me. I cannot begin to explain what I felt, but I knew that this was my life. For now and forever, this was me. This place, these kids, these babies with no one to wipe the sweat off their brow. A child ran up to me saying, “Mami! Mami!” I found out later that “Mami” is the customary word used by children to refer to any older woman in Haiti, like we might say “Ma’am” in the States. But at the moment, I thought, “Yes, Mami. Perfect. That’s me. Your mommy.”

For five years since that day, I’ve fought with what to do, and how to get to the place of fully being Mami Amy. I worked with the children’s center for most of two years, but was unable to stay longer. I tried to make myself into an aid worker who would live full time with the kids, but that didn’t work either. You can’t force it. I have spent the years since then working in other non-profits, learning the art of fundraising. It’s a skill certainly needed in NGOs of all kinds, and I’m happy to have it in my toolkit! In my view, being “Mami” doesn’t just mean being a nurturer and changing diapers. It means using all my skills to benefit and make possible a full life for those with no one to call their own. There is nurture, but there is also strong, virtue-driven education, ethical business practices, a well-run system of funding that takes advantage of no one and allocates funds responsibly. I saw a drawing recently of a woman from the waist down, standing with one foot on a rocking chair and the other on a board room chair. I relate. That’s Mami Amy.
But alas. For years, I’ve been trying to find a place to put all of this. A place where I can use my skills to benefit the kids. But where is it? I’ve worked in Catholic education, something I strongly support. It was good, and I learned a lot. But I missed my babies. Now I work in Public Health fundraising. Again, close…but no cigar. Am I really that impatient? Or am I lucky… because I know what I want? Maybe some of both? Sometimes I envy those who have the ability to just go to a job, do it, go home, do it again. Duty. I lack that skill. I’m grateful for the opportunities I’ve had, but certainly long for one that joins my heart and head.
I’m not giving up on this. I’ve had my fair share of advisors of the “oh, the dreams will ware off when you grow up” persuasion over the past few years. But I still wake up and go to sleep every day thinking of these children -- sometimes nameless and faceless, but always there. I can’t quite explain that, but I also can’t ignore it. I’ve written and published articles on the topic, I’ve spoken at various small events, I’m currently sitting on a board. But I want my hands dirty. I hope and pray the time comes soon.

Amy's Favorite Things: 2010

2010-12-08T14:41:00.014-05:00

I have to admit, despite the fact that I sacrifice some sort of dignity in the process, that I definitely hurried online like a lunatic to check out "Orpah's Favorite Things" this year. I'm not sure why. I was at work, and I heard this ad on pandora or something about the FT of Oprah's last season on-air, and for some reason I was really interested. I watched clips online of people passing out and losing their minds when O gave them new fancy watches that are probably worth more than most of their cars, candies wrapped in seemingly pure gold (given the state value), various "signature Oprah" items, and of course... a 7 day all expense paid cruise. Pretty awesome for the people there, although I hope they know that they have to pay taxes on some of the gifts...

Nonetheless, I have been thinking today about my favorite things of 2010. So, here's a list, in no particular order.

1. Hillary's Menus. For any person working full time, the idea of coming home and thinking of something to eat for dinner, then going to the grocery store, then preparing said meal is just WAY too much to handle. I don't really like to cook all that much, so most of the time pre-menus, I ended up eating rye toast for dinner. However, Hillary has revolutionized this whole deal by providing me with menus, complete with shopping lists, photos, and step by step instructions, for every day of the week. YES!! Saturday comes along, the menu pops up up in inbox. I buy groceries on Sunday, and I'm SET for the whole week. It's awesome. You should try it. hillarydanz@gmail.com

2. Ferrero Rocher dark chocolate. Oh.my.gosh. It's like fuel for my mood. So rich in the middle, and the little chocolate shavings on the outside are delicious. One a day is plenty more than I should have, but when I need a pick-me-up... this is better than gin. ha.

3. Marshalls.
Seriously... Yankee Candles for $6.99? Seven for all Mankind jeans for $22? The biggest Ralph Lauren section I've ever seen and nothing over $39? Need I say more?

4. Bar Keeper's Friend. I really hate doing dishes. More than that, I really hate it when your sink gets all nasty inside because you got lazy and didn't do the dinner dishes fome last night. Yes, this problem could be partially solved by being more productive. But there are nights for all of us that are busy, and pasta sauce does a wonder on ceramic overnight. This stuff became my best friend this year -- it'll get ANYTHING out.

5. Re-used/homemade items. Between the sewing machine purchase (which I've thoroughly enjoyed), making bath bombs, and getting into all sort of other refurbishing projects, it's been a crafty sort of year. I like it this way.

6. Fizzy Water with lime. I started drinking this stuff last fall, and I seriously drink at least a couple gallons a week, I'd say. A little lime juice and you have a delicious drink that won't make you die earlier from aspertame intake, plus it keeps you hydrated. Not bad... for those of us who are huge wimps are drinking plain ice water.

7. This kid. Love him.

8. Skatkin and Co oil burners. They burn super smoothly, and the scents that come with them are great. Particularly the Christmas ones. mmm.

9. Monograms. Particularly from Pottery Barn. I can't really explain this one, except that my mom never wrote my name in things when I was a kid, and more than one item was lost. I really hate losing them. If I label my entire adult life, perhaps I can avoid tragedy. Or, I'm nuts. One or the other.

10. Media: Stieg Larsson and David Ebershoff novels. Books by Dr. Richard McKenzie. His research is so complete it's incredible. Music by the Avett Brothers and Ingrid Michaelson. Changeling. All quite excellent.

11. Lastly, sweater patterned everything. I don't know when exactly this became a trend, but it's so cozy and fantastic and I love it. I bought sweater slippers at Thanksgiving and I now refuse to wear normal shoes outside in the evenings. I even saw these super cute wine bottle cozies made of cable knit, but I can't find them online now. Go figure. Anyway, check out the pillows... doesn't that just make you want to get some hot chocolate and cuddle up to a fireplace? yes.

Now, I realize that everything on this list is something that can be bought (except Harrison..?), and clearly, buyable things are not the most important things. However, in an effort to not get into a ranking of my favorite charities, causes, morals, etc.... I decided to stick with the little tangible joys in life.

Hey, happy Christmas! I can't believe it's time for the end of 2010 already, but 2011 is going to be super fun. I wish you all the best this Holiday season!

love,
amy

Sometimes, I want to punch people in the face.

2010-11-15T13:31:00.002-05:00

I know, I shouldn't. And I never actually have, but I get so freaking mad sometimes. I should probably pray more, do yoga, take a walk. Ok, ok... I'm getting there.

When I left Haiti awhile back now, I was SO ready to move on (on one hand) and totally distraught to be leaving (on the other). I can attribute most of this erratic mental-behavior to the fact that I knew the organization was so the WRONG place for me, and yet, I fell in love with the kids there. So that caused a lot of termoil. I'm sorry if you all have had the misfortune of stumbling across the rantings over the topic on this blog.

On a totally different level, I was in a car accident in January of last year (yep, almost a whole dang year ago) and I'm yet to get the proper medical care. I went to a chiropractor for 9 months, who, albeit a nice person, clearly did not really have the training needed to treat me. Then I finally get an MRI (after mentioning it a number of times) and I find out I have these herniations in my discs, blah, blah, blah. I fight with 23549627 doctors and insurance people in Naples, and finally get the test done... to SEE if I need a procedure. Good God. It's like a page from Catch 22 around here. Again, I have the strong desire to hit people. Honestly -- just DO YOUR JOB. That's all I'm asking of you. If your lot in life is to answer phones, then damn it, you should be the best phone answerer this world has ever seen. I couldn't get calls back, appts scheduled, etc. I finally fired a lawyer, got another (who ended up not being able to take the case), and now I'm lawyerless again. I got in with one doctor, but can't get in for a second opinion with ANYONE. Call my crazy, but I don't really want this guy shoving needles with lasers into my spine until I at least have another trained medical professional saying it's a good idea. PUNCH.

So, long story short, I have done a lot of shadow boxing (not in the figurative way) in the last year. There are so many good things happening in life -- Harrison and I are getting married, my job is going well, etc., and yet, the punching reflex. I'm sort of pessimist by nature, so it's hard to see the bright side at times. I try.

Today I get online and notice that the kids from the orphanage are coming to the US (actually arrived yesterday) for this choir thing they've been planning for a year-ish now. Now, that's lovely and all, but it really makes me mad that I've asked the org about 1351 times if I could get more info about this, especially since one of the kids coming is the one I want to ADOPT, and they just utterly refuse to answer emails. It's just like the people at the doctor offices. I'm a professional (sort of) and I can say with assurance -- customer service has to be at the TIP TOP of the list for any group if they want to be successful. I just simply can't fathom not returning phone calls and emails. And you know what... if you "don't ever have the time" -- then HIRE MORE STAFF. All you do by trying to work on a super small staff is alienate potential customers, supporters, donors, whatever. It's insane. It's terrible business. It's economic stupidity. It's corporate suicide. It's REALLY ANNOYING.

In moments of mercy, I'm sure that everyone at the doctors offices, insurance companies, orphanages, etc. is very well intentioned. Actually, I'm positive that they are. But, you know what they say about good intentions. When it comes to business, intentions aren't enough. You have to be proactive. You have to call people back, return their messages and emails, send them a frickin birthday card. These are the sorts of things that build loyalty, and ..well, general good will. Not doing them, or rather REFUSING to do them is... well... see above.

I'm sure half of the people reading this (ok, so maybe 1.5 people) are sitting there thinking about how bad of a person I am, and how if I really loved Jesus I'd be calm, quiet, content, and full of mercy. Well, to those people I say: Jesus hated this BS too. I'm not damning anyone to hell, I'm just asking them to be effective. God love them, being effective.

Well, back to my phone calls. Today is the Feast of St. Anthony. He was an educator and missionary. That's a good sign, I'd say. St. Anthony -- pray before I punch someone.

ap

Orphanages in the US.

2010-10-18T14:29:00.000-04:00

Here's the article I wrote for CNA. The first part has been published -- second part is on its way tomorrow.

http://www.catholicnewsagency.com/cw/post.php?id=391

on my mind...

2010-09-01T15:51:00.003-04:00

I feel like I'm supposed to be thinking about wedding-y things, but really, my brain just wants to overly focus on a few aspects of this, and forget about the rest. That's where my friends come in to help, aha!!

All I want to deal with is:

a). The dress. I love dresses.
b). The music. I love music. And I have fantastically musical friends and family who will play for me :)
c). The flower girl and ring bearer, because they're always the cutest part of a wedding, anyway.

Aside from that, I'm relying on friends and family. I think the atmosphere at an event of any sort is the most important, so all the little details escape me. I think big picture. I'm only accustomed to planning events for fundraisers. If this were going to be a fundraiser for my kiddos, or something, I'd be all about it. But a big party ... I don't know. I get too nervous.

If any of you have brilliant suggestions for a farm/cathedral/folk music/beer on tap/gold and champagne sort of wedding, you just let me know.

The Engagement

2010-08-25T12:33:00.003-04:00

Well, I said, "yes." That's really the exciting part, right?!

As many of you have requested, I've decided to write out a bit of the proposal story, even though I don't have any pictures yet. Andrea took some, so I'll add them when I have them :)

The whole thing started with a pack of lies (great start to a marriage, I'd say ;) )! Harrison told me we were going to a wine bar in Naples on Saturday night, and that he wanted to get dressed up. This is fairly common for us, so I put on a dress and he said he'd pick me up about 6. We started driving off (after covering the car seat with towels since SOMEONE had left the window cracked in the monsoon!) and soon were driving in the wrong direction. I asked where we were going, and he refused to tell me. He thinks he's so funny.

Then I saw a group of our friends in a car, but I didn't think much of it at the time.

We pulled up in front of a Church, and I asked him what we were doing. It was about that time that I realized he was, perhaps, going to pop the question. And, typical for me, I TOTALLY FREAKED OUT. I refused to get out of the car, and kept saying things like, "Ohmygodwhatarewedoing, whyarewehere, ohgod, where'sjalen, ishehiding!?" etc. (Note: Jalen is one of the friends we saw driving by.)

I'll spare you the long process it took to get me to actually go INSIDE the church, but I will tell you that it involved me patting Harrison down for a ring (which I didn't find), checking his phone to see whom he'd recently talked to (which revealed nothing) and a heartrate of about 230. Not that I was not cool and collected.

We get into the Church, and it's totally empty. I see some flowers in the front and a journal that we used to send back and forth to each other when we were dating long distance. He asks me to read the journal, and I attempt to, although I was so hyper that I had no idea what it said. The last line said that he had a question to ask me... I turned around (after staring at the ceiling for a minute) and he was on his knee. The ring has been sitting in the pew, so he grabbed it when I turned around. I said yes (in approximately 23 syllables of stuttering) and then Andrea appeared for the pictures. After the "yes" the very first words I spit out were, "Can I have a martini now??!?!" I really wish someone would've video taped, because it would have been hilarious!!

Then we went to my friend Jessica's house for a little party, which was really sweet. All of our friends were there, including my bosses and coworkers. It was sweet of everyone to show up :) We had a nice little party, and called the parents. Harrison's mom asked if I said yes to him, or to the ring. I told her it was a little of both ;) My mom cried, and I think she was a little disappointed that I didn't, but she'll get over it. I was too freaked out to cry.

About 24 hours later, I finally calmed down. Now we're just going to enjoy the time for awhile, before trying too hard to plan things. I'll let you all know when we have a time and place. Until then, I'll work on the photos of that BEAUTIFUL ring!

Love,

Up-dating.

2010-08-20T09:03:00.001-04:00

Ok, is it just me, or do other people get upset when they check their Google Reader in the morning, and there are NO new messages? Come on, now. I feel like Meg Ryan at the beginning of "You've Got Mail" (which I love, by the way) when she goes on that whole monologue about how great it is to hear those three little words... Ok, my computer doesn't talk to me when you all update your blogs, but I like reading them, nonetheless!

On another front, this has possibly been the longest week ever. I just wanted to take a day off, but I was committed at work everyday, so no break for me. I feel like I'm sinking in the mass of work to be done, but it's ok -- the weekend is coming!

On a bloggy/internets-y note, I am going to be attempting in the next couple weeks to move all of my interwebs stuff to one site. Now that I'm writing for CW, I have too many sites. There's this blog, the CW blog (which will be pretty similar.. I'm still trying to figure the integration out), the music sites (bandcamp, iTunes, and the regular amyportermusic.com site), and I've started selling my bath bombs, and I have that site on ebay. It's just too much. I need to downsize.

Alright, enough boring dribbles.

Published?

2010-08-19T09:32:00.001-04:00

So, I've recently signed on to be a regular writer for a new website by CNA called Catholic Womanhood. It's sort of an all-over site -- lots of different topics loosely related to what it means to be a woman, and a Catholic one at that.

The website is here: http://www.catholicnewsagency.com/cw/

Anyway, when I write this blog, I never even really think about what I'm saying. I just spit out what's in my head. That approach is proving difficult when I know that actual groups of people I don't know might be reading what I say.

Anyway, I should be up there sometime next week. Check it out.

ap

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

2010-08-08T22:32:00.010-04:00

Here's what I did today:

First, I cleaned my room. Exciting, I know. This was mostly because my cat managed last week to find a bag of catnip that my sister purchased for him, successfully drag it out of my desk (don't ask me.) and rip it open so he could roll (?) in it and get high all week. It took awhile, but I think the carpet is now clean enough that his pupils can now go back to regular size, as opposed to the look he's had for a week.

Anyway, then I went to church.

After that, I was feeling crafty, so I made these....

I had these old wire coat hangers sitting around from the dry cleaner. I found a thing on the internet saying you could make them into fruit cups. I put flowers in them instead. Hmm. We'll see how long they last.

In the organizing/creating mood, I then stole an idea from my friend Jessica and put this into my restroom to help with the necklace-tangling problem:

Then, I made some of these:

This isn't that great of a picture, but they're fizzy bath bombs. I bought all the stuff awhile ago to try to make them, because they're SO nice for relaxing, but super expensive when store bought. Now I've gotten into it, and I can make tons of different kinds. Let me know if you're like some, and I'll send them your way.

Then, I spent a few hours here:

Nevermind that half the time was spent playing a Christmas song. It felt good anyway. I'm experiencing the world's longest case of writer's block, I think.

Then, in a total sugar fast fail, I made these:

I'm just going to say it -- these were really good. If you're even a little concerned about your health, think about the fact that they're made with natural sugar, rather than everything else that's in them.

I love weekends.

These Friends of Mine

2010-08-04T10:21:00.003-04:00

My sister always says that she has an existential crisis about once a month. I fear that in this regard, I may be following in her footsteps. Not a great step to step in, this one.

For quite some time (ok, since the dawn of Amy-time, actually) I have analyzed things to death. My friend Kelly used to laugh at me in college, because every few nights, I would show up in her room with this "look" on my face, which she knew meant that I was overthinking and going nuts about something. She would always say, "Ame, just go to bed." Which was probably very good advice, but I could never sleep when I was going mental about my life's long-term direction, or the overall social situation of Scandanavia, or whatever else I was obsessing about at the time.

Now, my tantrums seem a little less frequent (yes, I'm a lot like an infant in this way) and are more focused, but they still happen. Every once in awhile, I start to wonder about my whole existence, if I'm existing properly, if I've settled in one way or another, or if I'm just insane and no one has had the kindness (?) to tell me yet.

I have lots of really stable, strong female friends (and family) whom I look to for support in this way. My friend Erin is a super smart cookie who's just about to have a baby, but once she gets this pregnancy thing over with, I'm sure she's going to sprout wings and turn into SuperMom, going to grad school and being a mama and changing the world all whist maintaining a perfectly orderly life and impeccable hair style. My friend Naomi is pretty much 6 months ahead of Erin, doing all the same WonderWoman acts with poise and ease. She's going to be pursuing a PhD soon, has an uber cute little one, and manages to entertain me almost daily with her bloggy witticisms. Then there's Caity, the mother of 9/dentist/Montessori School owner. Yeah, that's her life. And the list could go on and on (Erica and Christa in law school, Steph and Courtney the soon-to-be Dr. Nebel and Dr. Glenn, etc., etc., etc.)

I'd be lying if I said I'm not intimidated at times by these lovely ladies. I've talked with each and every one of them about their own struggles to capitalize on and work hard toward their own human potential and goals. They all struggle to be the best career woman/student/wife/mom/female they can be. And I respect all of them for how awesome they are at it.

The one thing I think each of these women would agree on is that every woman's path is different. While it's fun in college to say, "Hey, I'm going to change the world!!" and it's real easy to assume you know the path of that change, most of the people I know who stick too stringently to one path end up with... well, headaches. None of my friends who are married planned on getting married young, but they met the right guy, and thought it'd be pretty stupid to hold him at arm's length for 10 years just to prove something. None of them imagined being young mothers, but again, they were married, they were open to life, and they're happy to have their babies now. I think the truth of being a strong woman is the openness to What May Be, and the acceptance that your ultimate existence is not really in your control anyway. Maybe simply the act of Trying is enough.

So here's to you, Tough Friends of Mine. You keep me sane, and make me just insane enough to keep pushing forward.

ap

Work vs. UnWork

2010-07-30T16:02:00.003-04:00

I have a good friend Christine who just recently had the opportunity to quit her job and stay home full time. Christine is probably the sweetest, most kind hearted person on earth, and she just got married last year. She's been a great teacher for several years, but now that she's (I'm sure) considering a family of her own, she decided to stay home and get things settled in her new house. Life changes often bring other life changes, and she's a smart cookie. She wants to be ready, which I have all the respect in the world for.

In her blog post announcing this change, she quoted the infamous Proverbs 31 verse. Part of it says,

"She rises while it is still night, and distributes food to her household. She picks out a field to purchase; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She is girt about with strength, and sturdy are her arms. She enjoys the success of her dealings; at night her lamp is undimmed. She puts her hands to the distaff, and her fingers ply the spindle. She reaches out her hands to the poor, and extends her arms to the needy. She fears not the snow for her household; all her charges are doubly clothed. She makes her own coverlets; fine linen and purple are her clothing."

Someone (whom I do not know) commented on the post by noting that she stays home (with no children) and loves being able to say that she's done "NOTHING!!" in a day when she's asked. She also noted that she often stays in her pajamas all day.

I don't know this person, and it could be all sematics, but it got me thinking. The woman described above ("the Proverbs 31 woman") sounds really, really busy to me. Getting up before dawn, not dimming the lamp even late at night, gardening/farming for her family, making all the clothing, etc. This woman is not, by any means, eating bon bons at home.

But, unfortunately, some women interpret their vocation as mothers and wives to mean that its ok to do nothing. I don't think that's what the scripture says at all. The really successful at-home moms that I know are very busy with their children's upbringing and the maintenance of their family affairs -- they're involved in education, they work to maintain the house, they deal with finances and other needs, they make necessary items for their kids, cook healthy meals, and some even work on the side. Many women say, "Staying home is the hardest job in the world" and when done properly, I totally agree with that statement. The sad thing is that women who choose to be home simply because they don't want to work give the hard working moms a bad name.

I know that my friend Christine, and many other women out there, are the OPPOSITE of lazy. They work so hard to maintain a peaceful and orderly home, which I do think is very important not only for kids, but for the sanity of adults, too. Not everyone is called to that life -- I really don't think I am. But I can understand that when it's done well, running a family and home is not unlike running a business. Except one that you're super emotionally involved in and you never "go home" from!

Summary: If a woman says her vocation is in the home, she should (according to Scripture and tradition) be working all day long the same as she would at a job. If I came to work in my PJs, or did nothing for a day, I'd be fired. There are advantages to being home, but I think we should all seek, in whatever we do, to do it in absolutely the best manner we know how. That means diligence, hard work, sweat on our brow. We have that responsibility to ourselves, humanity, and Christ. Our human potential is not meant for us -- it's meant to be shared.

I don't mean to be overly harsh to a person I don't know -- but this is not, by any means, the first time I've heard women reveling in their ability to do nothing at home. The issue should be addressed -- we are all bound by our human nature to work hard, to do our best, to struggle and suffer if necessary in order to do good for ourselves and others. Let's not forget.

2010-07-28T09:37:00.002-04:00

I promise, I'm soon going to write a blog entitled "Why I Became Catholic." Probably more for myself than anyone else. It's hard to narrow down in a way that can be presented to a wide audience. But, it's important to state. I'll get to that soon.

ap

musicologogy

2010-07-27T09:41:00.002-04:00

I've really gone a little mental about my music lately.

I've been trying to get myself motivated, but I always have this problem: I hate playing alone.

I know, it's dumb, but I just don't like it. I never aspired to be the world's best guitar player (good for me, since if that was what I was trying for, well... failure, big time), and I never really loved the idea of the solo show. At all.

The problem is that I've really been neglectful toward my music for awhile now, and I'm honestly feeling..almost.... guilty? I really don't want to neglect it, but I hit these walls. Is this writer's block? Or... ? what?

I finished the album this year and I was so happy about it, but now, I'm not selling the darn things because I'm not playing anywhere. My aunt Val works in the radio industry and she is having a few friends listen to the project. She had some pretty fair critiques, I thought, and mostly agreed that it's a good first project, but not perfect. (I'm totally onboard with the 'not perfect' assessment!)

What I really enjoy about playing music is the synergy, I think. So playing alone (with the exception of a rainy day or a particular mood) is not really my thing. I like to work together. Then separate and work apart, knowing you'll work together again. That's my musical recipe for fun and success. Too bad Mark and Mark live in PA. bah!!

task master

2010-07-01T14:21:00.000-04:00

Harrison left today to see his family in Oklahoma. They are WAY excited, so I'm glad he's getting to go.

I leave tomorrow to go see my family (well, some of them) in Lancaster (my favorite) and then to Oklahoma and Dallas for a business trip.

But tonight --- I get to get a million things done. Hillary told me last week I was a task master. I think she's right. I'm actually weirdly excited right now about getting the following done today:

1. laundry
2. packing
3. work out with Coach Copeland, who always kicks my ass in the gym (note: I will not be able to walk properly all weekend.)
4. hanging out with Justine
5. Dinner - sole fillets with red peppers, onions, and corn on the cob.
6. Reading until I fall asleep.

Very rarely do I find pleasure in the mundane parts of life. Maybe this is an extra special day to enjoy it since I've recently brought into the open my issues with it. Hmm.

doctors.

2010-07-01T10:34:00.002-04:00

So, this afternoon I e-ran into an old acquaintence who has recently been accepted to school for a Ph.D. I think I threw up a little.

I don't quite get the giant downturn in American education. In the "old days" (oh, say, 15 years ago), getting a Ph.D. was a really big deal. It meant you were truly a master in your field. Now, it seems to be just another thing to do for a few years in an attempt to delay adulthood. True intelligence seems to be a very small part of higher education these days. The scary thing is that the actually smart people, who truly do work hard and become very knowledgable in their fields are then tossed up against the no-so-much people, and a degree means nothing. Tragedy.

What do we do about this? Degrees achieved are no longer the measure of intelligence, and yet, they are important. So many schools have watered down their cirriculum so much that a high school junior from 30 years ago could now get a Ph.D. without sweating it. It makes me sick.

I realize that being a "smart" person and being good in school are not the same, but nonetheless, I'm really nauseated by people who can't spell, can't form a sentence without saying "like" 23 times, and have totally dysfunctional social habits becoming doctors of ANYTHING, much less medicine, or communications, or psychology, or something where they will be working directly with humans.

Ok, I'm being judgmental again. But this time, I think it's justified. I met a kid awhile back who was in graduate school, and had no idea where Oklahoma was. Also, heard a college student say, "Whoa, I didn't know we ever had a president Cleveland!" yesterday. What the heck are these kids LEARNING in school?!??

Can this be turned around? I'm all for technology education and things like that, but classical knowledge is invaluable. What do you think?

Judger.

2010-06-30T11:06:00.002-04:00

You ever have those weeks where you just all of a sudden come face to face with all your weaknesses at one time, as thought God himself is saying, "Hey dummy, here's the comedy act called Your Life that I have the great pleasure to watching everyday. It's like a rat in a cage."

Ok, so maybe deities aren't quite as sarcastic and mean as I am, but that's sort of the point.

My friend Jamel in college used to call me Amy the Judger. I thought it was sort of funny at the time, but lately, I'm realizing it's pretty true. There is a fine line between being opinionated and being a big jerkface, and I am straddling that line a little too closely these days.

I'm pretty passionate about things. Sometimes that's good, but sometimes, it causes me to take these little microcosms of situations and apply them to all of humanity, thereby allowing me to assume the worst about essentially every human on the planet. Or, more specifically, the ones who look/act/in any way resemble the microcosm person who pissed me off. This is a dreadful, awful, terrible, no good, very bad habit. I have to learn to quit this. It's like social kamikaze.

Also, I've realized that I am really lazy sometimes. I talk this big talk about things, but in reality, my lack of structure in life is really insane. I have no excuse to not work out three times a week, work on my French, finish books I start, etc. etc. etc. And yet, I got more done when I was working at the orphanage than I do now. What the...?!? Good grief, I have a lot of work to do.

Last horrid weakness discovery of the week: lack of ability to relax. I'm the sort of person that likes things done. So, when they aren't done, I get in a really moody state in which I can't seem to just sit and relax, breathe the air, smell the roses... because I'm stressed about what's not done, although my own dang laziness caused it. Also, this is commonly caused by my inability to let go of things that happen. Geez.

Honestly, God has to be laughing at me. Little Miss "I can do it by myself." So self-assured. So internally screwed up. So confident. So misguided.

Lessons learned, I guess. Can I hit the restart button right about now?

Here's to figuring out all the messes.

ap

Star-Crossed future?!

2010-06-14T16:30:00.004-04:00

Alright, you tell me. Is there a striking resemblence between these two, or am I just missing Haiti that badly?

Top photo: Rajon Rondo, of the Boston Celtics (obviously).

Bottom photo: Guervens, one of the kiddos at the orphanage.

Every time these finals come on TV I see this Rondo character, and I just think he looks like Guervens. Hmm.

Hello? Anyone in there?

2010-06-11T14:32:00.002-04:00

You know those days when you realize you know way less than you thought you did?

I've having one of those days.

I was looking through an email from a friend who is a missionary in Haiti right now. I quickly realized that what I've seen in short spurts, here and there, is her daily life. It's not like I didn't know that before, but it just felt more real today. While I do my desk job, that requires my patience and skills, she is being full-time mommy to many, many children. Both have their challenges, but the responsibility differs considerably.

Here's to you, hard-workers, unselfish servants, and risk-takers everywhere. I aspire to fill your shoes someday. Talk is cheap.

ap

video killed the radio star

2010-06-10T14:05:00.003-04:00

But not in Haiti.

So Sheree just left Haiti yesterday, and she sends me this photo.

Apparently Jonson (while wearing her earrings, for some reason...?) said to Sheree, "Can you please tell Mami Amy that I need a radio?"

What!? Good grief. I melted a little, and then thought about starting the adoption papers again, then thought maybe I should wait awhile longer, then thought about it again, then just put my head down on my desk for a minute. Mi nino... one of these days.

e-mailitis

2010-06-07T14:37:00.003-04:00

Has e-mail made passive-aggression socially acceptable? I think so.

I'm sort of a write-it-out kind of person, so I can understand the need and/or desire to write and organize one's thoughts. I get that. Plus, some conversations are pretty awkward over the phone. But.. there's a line. When you're having a disagreement with a friend or family member, face-to-face is so superior to weasley emails.

Now, there are certain cases in which I think an email is ok. If you're, say, needing something to be written for the sake of having a record (perhaps a legal document or matter). Or, if the other person has a long history of being utterly inconsolable in conversations and therefore you feel and email or letter is the only way to get your point across. Or, let's say if.... well, yeah, those are the only two I can come up with.

What ever happened to duking it out, face to face? Whether an argument, or an old-fashioned reminder, it seems far too easy for people these days to just shoot an email (sometimes filled with overly emotional and insane aggression) rather than meet up at the bar or cofffee shop. I get it, we all use email. We're all busy. But if you're angry at the neighbor, good grief, go knock on the door.

People are wormy these days. We need to remember how to confront, how to stand up, how to own our thoughts. In the days of subjectivity, I guess most people don't want to own their opinions anymore. But it weakens us all. Weakens relationships, weakens communication, weakens our resolve.

So, go yell at someone.

Ok, just kidding. Don't yell.

let it go

2010-06-04T08:50:00.002-04:00

This week has probably been more full of drama than any other in recent memory. Good grief.

Long story short -- I'm trying to learn to let things go. Some people just aren't going to be your friends, and there's nothing you can do about it.

Remember that story I wrote about awhile back with the Beauty and the Beast debackle? Yeah, well, they finally talked. The conversation went something like this:

Harrison: Hey, I'm knocking on your door right now because you keep hiding your children from Amy and I like we're boogy-men, and it'd be sort of cool if you didn't do that, since we used to be friends, and we don't like having enemies.
Well, let's step outside.
Ok.
Honestly, Harrison, you really just need to learn to practice patience. I told you I'd send you an email, and I will.
Ok, well I think that's a relatively weak way to handle a situation with a friend, anyway. Plus, you said that email was coming about a month ago, and it's yet to appear. We just want to clear the air for the sake of the rest of the neighborhood, and us.
You're being pushy, Harrison. You need to practice patience. We're really busy.
It's summertime. You're not even in school or working. Don't you think it's important to settle things between "friends?"
If you are really our friend, you'll understand the demands of our family. We haven't had time, and you need to practice patience.
If you say 'practice patience' one more time, I'll....!!! (ok, I made this part up. Back to reality now...)
Well, I'm disappointed. But whatever.
(in a typically condescending tone) Ok, have a good night, Harrison. We'll get to you soon.

I was out having a glass of wine with a friend when this all went down, so Harrison told me about it later, in a conversation that went like this:

Harrison: So, I talked to him.
Oh, yeah? Wow. What happened?
He told me I needed to be patient.
What's that mean?
He says they'll send an email.
That's still considered real communication? Well, ok then. Did he mention that I contacted him last week trying to resolve this so his kids weren't scared of me anymore?
Nope. Just said we need to be patient. Good riddence, I say.
Yeah, sad news. But what else can we do? I can't beg people to communicate. If it's not working, I guess we just have to try to be polite, but yeah... good riddence. Heartbreaking.

It's a sad day in Ave Maria. But there are important lessons to be learned about such things, you know? I don't understand why certain strains of humanity can't just be polite friends while disagreeing with someone. I have plenty of friends who are very different from me, but that's ok. They aren't my best friends, and I don't go out of my way to spend time with them, but we are cordial and polite and exhibit general human kindness toward one another. I don't pretend to agree with them, or condone bad behavior, but I also don't go out of my way to point out all of our differences, and why I think they're wrong about whatever-it-may-be. That's called being a nice person. A lesson generally learned in primary school.

But some people missed that day of class, I guess. The only response I can have is this:

Let it be. Pray for peace. Turn the other cheek.

But before I get to the peaceful part, I do have to get over the angry part. It's so easy to build a grudge, and really, it's totally foolish. I'm miserable when I'm angry, so why bother? There are real problems in the world that deserve my anger -- poverty, sickness, death, disease, abused children, natural disasters (cue: oil spill mess), and anger that leads to action. So why should I waste my anger on petty issues beween "friends?" It's just dumb. If only I could really learn that lesson.

My more honest response at the moment can best be stated in the wise words of Woody, from Toy Story.
"Good riddence, ya loony!"

But I'm working on the being peaceful part. Honestly, I am.

ap

Days like today....

2010-06-02T13:22:00.003-04:00

I miss the busyness of Haiti. Good grief, it's like I'm addicted to having way too many things to do, with way to little time to do them.

I realize that lots of people view boredom as not only an impossibility, but also a wrong. I get it. But nonetheless, I get bored. I like excitement! Parties! Events! A million kids running around to keep me constantly entertained!

I think orphanage life poisoned me... I just can't get used to desk jobs much anymore. I'm more in favor of constant interruption. What a weirdo.

All the little babies.

2010-05-27T10:35:00.005-04:00

Yesterday, I was at work and I got this out-of-the-blue call about a guy who wanted to give (a lot of) money to an orphanage in SW Florida. Apparently the number has 7 figures.

Of course, there are no "orphanages" in SW Florida. So, we wrote a proposal to use the funds for the benefit of orphaned children by providing services like housing and education. But it got me thinking....

Ever since I left Haiti, I've been thinking a lot about the domestic orphan care situation, and actually I just got five books on the topic for my birthday (5! yes!). I'm ready to dig in. Recently, the CA legislature had some open debates about extending state-run foster care services to age 21, as opposed to 18, as it now stands.

http://www.newsweek.com/2009/03/08/children-of-the-system.html

The debate is interesting, because its basic premise is this:

Kids 'raised' in the foster care system (aka permanently without a permanent home) don't do well as young adults. (What do we expect?)

So....

We will extend their temporary care past the age of 18.

Now, let me say that I support this bill. But only because the system is broken, and while this is a bandaid, it's one that might actually be necessary, until we can overhaul the system.

Again and again, it has been statistically proven that children raised in institutional facilities (provided that those facilities are warm and loving, and not run by Miss Hannigan) grow to be more successful adults in almost every way. They are 39% more likely to go to college, they have a 97% positive outlook on life and their childhood (as opposed to 60% of those raised in foster care), they make 35% more money as adults and they are more likely to stay in monogmous marriages, creating stability for their children. Sounds like a better plan to me.

The problem, undoubtedly, is the cost of institutional orphan care. It's much cheaper for the state to pay a small stipend to foster parents in order to purchase necessary items for the foster child than it is to pay full time staff, facilities, construction, food preparation, clothing, schooling, etc. for children in an orphanage. One well known advocate of the orphanage system, Dr. Richard McKenzie, says that we need a Sam Walton of orphan care, who can find a way to make a high-efficiency, low-cost form of residential care.

I would disagree with Dr. McKenzie on this point (one of the very few points he and I do not have similar views on), but not for the reason you might expect. I recognize that residential orphan care, as it is slated today, is far too expensive to maintain. However, that point could also be made about public schools, homes for the mentally disturbed, etc. The point is not the money -- the point is: What do we really value?

Sam Walton's company (WalMart, in case you live under a rock), while one of the most "successful" in the world, has made it huge profits at the expense of many-a-little-guy. Stepping on one member of humanity in order to get low-cost to another. It's foolish, really. Like shooting yourself in the foot. Now, in Walton's defense, he was a business man, focusing on profits, and not necessarily trying to claim that he was into ethics. I'm not saying its ok, but it is different than social service. In social service, our business is the good treatment of people, and therefore our commerce and labor must represent that value, first and foremost. This might mean more money, but I'm totally convinced that it's the best way to go. Capitalism, in and of itself, can kill.

So my view is this:
While institutional orphan care is expensive, it is worth the investment. A more educated, well-adjusted, physically heathy and career-capable populace is ultimately going to be of immeasurable benefit to our economy, not to mention the overall social and spiritual framework of our society. It's expensive to take care of kids, sure. But what is our alternative? As Frances Ellen Watkins Harper said at The 11th Women's Rights Convention in 1866, "We are all bound up together in one great bundle of humanity, and society cannot trample on the weakest and feeblest of its members without receiving the curse in its own soul."

Maybe I'm overly confident, but I think our current society can find a better solution to orphan care than the broken foster care system. Only 60 or so years ago, orphanages were the common way of dealing with abondoned children. Then, we decided foster care was better. Now, we are coming full circle. A child needs a home, a place to call his/her own. A child needs to say, "This is MY bed. This is MY sister. This is MY dinner table." They need a place to feel safe. We can provide that. In all of my experience with neglected, abandoned and orphan children, I must say that I'm utterly in agreement that an institutional home is better than foster care. There are many children who have had positive experiences in foster care, but there are many more who have not. God bless the men and women who are and have been foster parents, the good ones. But this is not the best solution. I'm out to bring back a sense of home for children, no matter where and into what situation they were born. Whther in Haiti or our back yards, children have the same basic needs. And there is much we can do to meet them, if we only decide it's important.

Note: Much of my information here is taken from the following books/articles:
http://online.wsj.com/article_email/SB10001424052748703510304574626080835477074-lMyQjAxMTAwMDIwODEyNDgyWj.html
Rethinking Orphanages for the 21st Century: Dr. Richard B. McKenzie, 1998
Another Place at the Table: Kathy Harrison, 2004
A Place to Call Home - The Amazing Success of Modern Orphanages: Martha Randolph Carr, 2007
Alone in the World - Orphans and Orphanages in America: Catherine Reef, 2005
Home Away from Home - The Forgotten History of Orphanages: Dr. Richard B. McKenzie, 2009

You know what I'm sort of worried about?

2010-05-24T15:23:00.003-04:00

What happens to all these crazy women who think men will show up on their doorsteps, dying to impregnate them... when it doesn't happen.

Overzealous opening statement, I know. But here's the deal.

Apparently I have a great knack for finding places to live that are full of overly passionate religious folk. I know I do it to myself, and it's been driving me crazy for years, but for the past 70ish months, it keeps happening. I knew there would be crazies at ORU, and the orphanage was a little different, and then there was Ave Maria. While there are really some pretty awesome people here (and super intelligent ones, too), there are also some people who are, as a friend says, "a little too far from the mother ship."

I've always been pretty hyper about the roles of women in religious societies, and I've done a good bit of reading and studying of the topic over the past 4 years or so. I've looked at everything from Catherine McKinnon, Dorothy Holland, and Betty Friedan to, more recently, Margaret Sanger, Jenny Driver and Alice von Hildebrand. There are vast differences between these women, which is what I was going for, in an effort to try to form what I saw as an accurate view of women within religion. You've heard me talk about this before, and my basic view hasn't changed. I think the woman's body is probably the coolest machine ever created (Did you know a mother will sometimes lactate at the mere sound of a child's cry? Can your smart phone do that?), and her mind is innately capable of diplomacy, multi-tasking and cehesive, non-linear thought in a way that a man cannot match. She is also sensitive and by nature, caring. Men have unique and different qualities that make them strong, too, capable of using linear thought and working singularly to achieve arduous tasks and leadership ventures. Hence, we need each other. To try to fight this battle of one being more important than the other is just stupid and ill-formed. We should recognize our differences as just that -- differences. Not weaknesses, on either side.

Anyway, I had this little situation that popped up last week that got me thinking about this, again. Harrison and I have these friends here in town that we met awhile back, and they have a few kids. Their kids really took a liking to me and Harrison, and started knocking on the door from time to time, asking to come play. Of course, being that we welcomed them, they came back more and more frequently. Before I knew it, they were yelling "Hi, Amy!" from inside their house when they saw either Harrison's or my car. Super cute.

(Now, let me state that I knew this family was not exactly in agreement with me when it came to women's issues. But I really didn't see a need to bring it up. They're old school conservatives, and they are the sort who prefer to live with no money (and hence, support things like cheap labor via their lack of purchasing power, etc.) than to send mom to school or work in order to contribute to family income. I don't agree with it, but that's fine, it's their deal. I'm not trying to reform them.)

So a couple weeks ago, I hear this advertisement on the radio on my way home for lunch that a local theatre is going to be putting on a production of "Beauty and the Beast." The tickets weren't too overpriced, and I immediately thought that the kids might really like going to see the show, and that I would ask their parents to take them, my treat.

I get back to the house, and I see them out back. So I walk out there and say hello. I ask (without mentioning the theatre show) if the kids have ever seen "Beauty and the Beast." Good sweet Lord, that was a mistake.

Both parents reacted very quickly with a, "Oh no, certainly not. We would never let our kids see that!" (I was rather surprised.) I just said, "oh, ok..." and the conversation sort of lulled for a moment. Then I said, "Umm...can I ask why? I can't really think of anything in that movie that is scary, or immoral?" They said, "Well, for one, it's incredibly feminist."

What? How do you figure?
Well, when Gaston tells Belle he has 'seven', and she says, "What, dogs?" and he says, "No, strapping young sons, like me" she is disgusted. (Forgive my paraphrase.)
But, she isn't disgusted at the thought of sons, she's disgusted because they're HIS sons. He's a bad man.
It gives the impression that women should....
What?
Want something other than....
What?
It undermines the family.
Umm...ok. Well, do you want your kids to marry jerks, just because they're willing to marry them? Gaston is a bad guy. That's the moral of the story... look for the good person, even if he's unattractive and societally unacceptable. Don't marry the jerk just because he has a good image and lots of money. (and a cool haircut.)
(No reaction)
On another note, you're aware that there are Christian feminists, right? Women who are fully feminist and fully Christian. I would actually consider myself one.
Well, that depends how you define feminism.
Of course. Well, the short version of my definition would be a total embrace of all that a woman is. Her biology, which would/could include having children, but also her mind, which would/could mean finding the cure to cancer, or being the best secretary the world has ever seen. Accepting herself for who she IS, not who someone tells her to be. Accepting her unique beauty as beautiful, and not as a hinderance to her intellect, and vice versa.
(Shuffling, passing kids around, clearly trying to get away.)
(Then there was an even more proposterous statement made about Beauty and the Beast...something about beastiality [in their defense, they were repeating someone else's point of view, so I can't be sure if they agreed with it or not], at which point I said...)
Ok, well, I'm out. I have to go get some lunch. See ya.

The next day, I get this email. It was sent to both me and Harrison, and says, "Hey, I'd like to continue our talk about Christian feminism. Let's talk with weekend."

I was good with that, so we planned this talk. Then, they cancelled. Then we rescheduled, and it was cancelled again. Still hasn't happened.

So all of this was about 4 weeks ago.

Since that time, I noticed that these people seemed to be avoiding both me and Harrison. I would see them, and they'd pick up their kids and walk the other way, acting like they didn't notice me. It was odd, but it happened about three times before I really took note. Then, the fourth time, Harrison was with me, and it was really obvious. He looked at me like, 'did that just happen?' and I said, "Yeah, we need to talk to them."

So we planned to ask them about it when we saw them. We weren't trying to be dramatic, but who wants an upset neighbor, you know? If something we said was upsetting, we at least wanted to apologize for tone of voice, or whatever.

Before we had the chance, Harrison kind of ran into the husband, and so he asked if they could talk. He said he'd noticed them seeming to avoid us, and wandered if our talk about the movie had really upset them, or if there was something else we were unaware of. The man, obviously not used to confrontation, stumbled for a minute, and then finally said,
Well, we made the decision over the Easter holiday that we wanted to limit the contact you and Amy have with our children.
(What? Over Beauty and the Beast?)
Harrison tried to get a bit more information, but it was useless. The man said,
We'll send you guys an email.

An email? What are we, junior high kids? We live in a town of 1500 people. We're gonna see each other. Let's just talk about it. But, no.

So we've waited, and waited, and thus far... no email. Even though I had no intention of actually responding to it, I thought that if I at least received said email, I could go to their door and ask to talk about it. This is so awkward, when you live in a tiny town. It's like one kid being mad at another in high school, and they have classes together. You can't honestly expect to avoid this person forever, you know?

I've thought a lot about this in the past couple days. I wonder, and maybe someone can give me some insight... If this tiny, conservative town has bad influences, where do you think your children will ever have a job, or go to school, or college? Even if kids are homeschooled their whole lives, they have to get jobs someday, in the big, bad real world. What use is it to even educate a kid if you're just going to shove them in a hole their entire lives? To speak to their previously stated aims for children, who will they 'evangelize?' And furthermore, (since this is apparently the big goal), where will such a person find a spouse? In the home-schoool co-op? Good heavens. Too far from the mother ship is just about right.

The thing I really don't understand, though, is not how people do this sort of life, but why. It always seems to be shrouded in religion. Whether true or not, we've all seen the images on TV of the polygamist families in Utah claiming their 'religion' demands this sort of secluded, backward living. Muslim women are required to wear the burka and traditional baptist women don't even talk to men and certainly don't cut their hair. (Hello, Bob Jones). While there are religions that dictate such treatment of women, I fail to see how any Christian (and furthermore, Catholic!!) can believe this demeaning of a woman's intellect and spirit to be acceptable.

The early Church gave such a strong role to women that in some cases, the apostles even had to tell them women to tone it down, simply because there were women's cults in the area, and there was fear that these "free, Christian women" would be mistaken as one. Many Christian scholars refer to women as "the highest of human creatures" and even Pope John Paul wrote a letter called, "On the Dignity of Women," which explicitly states that women are of an original intellect and beauty, and should embrace both their minds and their bodies for the good of humankind, as mothers and workers. How then, do we give children books called I want to be a Homemaker for their birthdays (this actually happened), without the due counterpart, I want to be a Neuro Surgeon or I want to be Well-Educated, Because In Order to be a Homeschool Mom, I Need to Know How To Teach? I just don't get it.

Anyway, I'm sad about this whole thing. I don't want to be at odds with people, but I'm also not willing to accept this rubbish (or acquiesce to it, I guess) in order to make peace. I'm not quite sure why we necessarily have to agree with people in order to be their friends, but I guess that's another issue altogether. (I can assume that "limiting contact" = not willing to let each other be.)I just hope we can patch this thing up soon. It's really uncomfortable.

I hope that none of you are of the "God will bring me a husband, in a bow on my front doorstep" camp. If so, I'm sorry to burst your bubble. I guess I just have the crazy notion that a women's brains and uteruses don't have to be in competition for the Most Important Organ award, and I'd rather see tiny women be taught about their dignity than their wedding colors. In my experience, the best blessings come when you're not looking for them. I'm just saying.

Album!! DONE!!!

2010-05-06T15:41:00.001-04:00

My album, at long last, is done!!

It's actually been done for a couple weeks, but in the haste of it all, I forgot to post to this particular e-forum. oops.

Anyway, the best way to download the project is from bandcamp.com This site is WAY better than iTunes. Trust me. WAY better.

So, you can go to www.amyporter.bandcamp.com and download the album straight to your iTunes. (Trust me, I'm anti-techy, and it was a cinch for me. It's really that simple.)

You also get the benefit of a 7th track for free, and various pieces of artwork, as opposed to the boring, 2"x2" iTunes artwork. blah.

Check it out.

At the risk of being very soap-boxy, let me just say that I've learned from this process that it's really worth it to invest in art. As an 'artist' (if you can call me that?), I really love creating things. but I tell you, with all these punk high school kids pirating everything on the internet and then selling it at a cheap price for the "I don't pirate" people who buy it at a massive discount, and/or the corporate giants (ehem, iTunes) who sell low and take half the profits, it's not easy to make a single cent as a artist these days. I know, I know.. it never has been. I'm just experiencing it now, so it's a little different. Ok, I admit it, I'm whining. bah!!

Hope you all enjoy the tunes. They were fun to make.

Good day,
ap

My philosophy of music: Stated way better than I could state it.

2010-04-23T16:03:00.002-04:00

The following is the text of an email Over the Rhine (one of my biggest musical influences) sent to fans this week. Not only does this state, in a beautiful, lyrical, very OtR sort of way the reasons behind making music (as I entirely agree with, 100%), but also it highlights many of the issues musicians, even well-established ones, face in today's market.

If you read this, you'll not only feel great afterward (he's so darn poetic...), but you'll also understand a bit more of why I've been assaulting all of you with the "bandcamp.com" thing as opposed to iTunes. The problems stated by Linford in this piece regarding record labels are much the same problems that new, smallname musicians face with distribution, both digital and physical. Honestly, it's totally worth your 1o minutes to read.

Good day,
ap
______

Hello extended musical family,

Might want to pour a cup of something good and settle in. You know it always takes me at least four pages to say a proper hello.
Hope you are well.
Many thanks to all of you who were able to join us at our recent concerts down South and beyond: many memorable moments, some very enjoyable evenings. Thank you. And thanks for letting us try out some of our new songs. We’re heading out again on Saturday for a sweet little run (KY, MN, IL, MO, IN). Hope to see you.
We have some big news.
Spring has come to Ohio. The grass is green, the silver maples have their leaves, our part of the earth has tilted back toward the sun, which seems to take pleasure now in drenching the house in morning light. If you stand on the porch, close your eyes, turn your face toward the sun and let it shine on your eyelids, if you breathe deeply, it feels like someone is pouring a pitcher of light directly into your soul.
The birds are drunk on spring, flirting, nesting, singing. Our lone tupelo tree has new eager buds that make it look like a candelabra full of tiny green candles. My mother says if you pay attention it’s like watching the world being created all over again right in front of your eyes.
Karin and I sit on the porch swing, and we often wonder aloud: Could we share this? What if we could use our little farm as a creative gathering place for the occasional outdoor concert, a songwriting workshop, a place where we could help other young artists find their way forward? Hopefully, we can continue to put the infrastructure in place for that to happen. But that’s a conversation for a different day…
Yes, we are feeling adventurous. (Maybe adventure is simply paying attention to the part of you that wants to be created all over again.)
We are feeling like we want to invite you along.
We have some big news.
For the first time ever, this coming May 17, Karin and I are planning to travel to the West Coast to make an Over the Rhine record. We are going to work with producer Joe Henry and an amazing cast of characters. We are going to make a record that we can’t quite imagine. Hopefully it will be a little bit strange and a little bit wonderful.
Hopefully we will, “Blow the seams out of the songs...” (JH)
One thing for sure: We are going to be surprised.
There are at least three reasons why we still want to make music:
One: We believe making music has something to do with what we were put on this earth to do. If we leave our songs alone, they call to us until we come back to where we belong. When we live in the sweet spot of that calling, it gives others (you?) permission to discover the sweet spot of your own calling and live there.
Two: Both Karin and I have had occasion to bury loved ones. When we put loved ones in the ground, we find that we lose interest in acquiring stuff. We know we can’t take it with us when we go. No, it’s not about acquiring, rather it’s about what we are able to leave behind. That’s what gives life meaning: doing work that you can leave behind, your personal token of gratitude to the world in return for the gift of getting to be alive in it. (We believe the opportunity to make this record with Mr. Henry has everything to do with what we will leave behind.)
Three: Presence. There is a beautiful passage of scripture that made an impact on me as a child that I have never forgotten. Jesus said that if you help someone in need, someone hungry or naked or thirsty or imprisoned, if you are able to be present with them and soothe them in some way, it’s the same as if God was hungry or naked or thirsty or imprisoned and you found a way to help God.
There is so much need in this beautiful broken world it can be overwhelming. Maybe the most profoundly satisfying thing about making music for the last 20 years is we have watched people invite our music to be part of the big moments of their lives – a slow dance in the kitchen with someone who changed everything, a walk down the aisle at a wedding, a child being born... Unfortunately, big moments also occur during seasons when it feels like everything is going horribly wrong. We all need music during those dark times too – I know I do. It’s always humbling and amazing to learn that our music can be present in those too-difficult-too-imagine times. In some small way, through our music, it feels like we get to be present too, even when that is physically impossible. We get to be there in spirit.
That’s enough to keep us coming back.
That and all the sex and drugs…
I’m just kiddin’.
One dilemma with doing something creative for a long time is it can become a bit predictable. If an artist doesn’t push forward into fresh territory, doesn’t continue to risk something, doesn’t seek out new people who can teach her something unexpected, help her find a new way into the center of it, something vital begins to atrophy.
Karin and I have been writing our new songs for a good while now. I suppose many of them are understated glimpses into the people we are (so far) and the people we long to be and the difference that lies between.
Songs are little holders of ideas and images and questions that we want to remember. Sometimes the songs simply gather together some particular details of our life here on the farm. The songs teach us what we care about, and on a good day surprise us. Sometimes the new songs soothe us during our own dark moments. Sometimes they try to lend a helping hand.
Underneath our writing, there is a hunger and belief in possibility: the possibility that the “best” Over the Rhine record hasn’t been made yet. The possibility that our best work is still out there waiting for us. The possibility that we can still grow…
With this in mind, we asked ourselves, If we could make our next record with any producer/ally, someone who could help us record a project that we can’t quite imagine and envision (we want to be at least a little bit surprised as I’m sure you do), who would that person be?
We thought of some of our favorite moments on records we had heard in the last several years.
A name that quickly rose to the top of our list is songwriter and producer Joe Henry.
Joe has been quietly making records (well not that quietly, he has won at least two Grammy’s) that don’t sound like other records being made in 2010. They are a little bit dark and cinematic and funky and unpredictable. It seems like he loves to help performers who have already covered a lot of miles – people like Mavis Staples, Elvis Costello, Allen Toussaint, Solomon Burke, Louden Wainwright, Ramblin’ Jack Elliot, Mose Allison – rediscover the soul of what they do in new light.
But maybe even more importantly, Joe is a fine songwriter. We were excited about the possibility of getting his perspective on the actual writing.
Well, it’s always a long shot when you start at the top of your list, but to make a long (amazing) story short enough to fit into this letter, Joe has fully embraced the idea of helping us make this next Over the Rhine record. The ensuing conversation has been wonderful. We have discovered some friends in common, and I think we will discover even more common ground along the way as we discover the next chapter of the band together. We are even writing a song together that keeps us up at night in a good way.
Here’s the thing: this is the point in the process where early in Over the Rhine’s career a record label would have stepped forward and offered to put up the money to make this record. The label would then have taken outright somewhere between 80-90% of all the money the record made (your money). Out of the 10-20% that was our share, they then would have reimbursed themselves all the money they advanced us to make the recording possible, plus many other costs associated with its release. (This felt sort of like paying down your mortgage after the bank had already figured out how to keep 80% of your paycheck. And then the big surprise waiting at the end: after you paid off your mortgage, they still owned your house! That is, the label, after it was all said and done, owned the record forever.)
For years, most musicians went with the above, because the labels controlled distribution, and if you wanted to get your records in a record store… well, this is probably all old news to you.
For much of our career, we (and countless others) tried with varying degrees of success to find creative ways around this model. It made many of us fiercely independent. We felt we had to break free, come what may. (We should mention there are good people still working at record labels, who are trying to get good music released, but unfortunately, it feels like most labels have been all but devoured from the top down…)
Several years ago, Karin and I turned down several offers, cashed in all of our personal resources, found an investor to help us get started, and formed our own label, Great Speckled Dog, which we 100% own. We secured our own national distribution deal.
When it comes to our music: We are now in the driver’s seat. (Our label, GSD, is named after our Great Dane Elroy, of course: Him old, but him baby.)
Our first chapter with our very own Great Speckled Dog Records was the release of The Trumpet Child and Snow Angels. We learned a lot. Thanks to you, those projects supported us, and our touring ensemble, for almost 3 years. The Trumpet Child is on pace to eventually out sell any record released on our behalf by a label in the last 20 years. It has been a rare blessing, to see the audience for our music continue to steadily grow.
But now we find ourselves very much at the end of an album cycle winding down. It’s time for the next step. It’s time for a new Over the Rhine record.
Friends, the good news is this:
In 2010, there is no middleman.
It’s just us and you.
So, for the first time in our career, we are simply going to appeal directly to you, the people who care about Over the Rhine’s music, and ask if you will partner directly with us in making this new record.
We have a little less than four weeks to raise the money. It’s an ambitious step for us, but it feels right.
Whatever funds we are able to raise will go directly to our label, Great Speckled Dog, to help take care of this new music we will make. It will be used to help cover actual recording costs, and give the songs the best send-off into the world that we can afford. (We do plan to see the record distributed nationally and internationally.)
Close friends are always surprised when we begin to tally the costs involved in getting an Over the Rhine record recorded and out the door. We’ll spare you a full report, but generating a well-made thing – it does add up.
If you’re willing to help us make this record, we will offer our gratitude in all sorts of ways. (We’re not asking for something for nothing. We had a little fun and came up with a whole range of options you can grin at.)
If you can spare $15 now, we’ll make sure you have your beautifully packaged CD one month before the official release date, along with a personal thank you on Over the Rhine’s website, 3 bonus tracks and a small surprise when the CD ships.
We will not presume, but if you are able and willing to give way more than $15, we will gratefully accept, give you any number of special treats in return, and put the funds to good use to make this next chapter of Over the Rhine possible. We will hopefully have more than a little fun along the way. We will keep you posted.
Once or twice in my life I got to see my Amish relatives get together with friends and neighbors and frame a barn on a Saturday. This doesn’t feel all that different to me. It’s always humbling to admit you need help, but if you find the courage, it creates a space for a community to come together.
Maybe making this new record together is just that: An opportunity to come together to leave something behind, a little token of gratitude to the world for the gift of being alive in it. We will write our names on the music (and yours if you’re game) and let people know we were here. We tried to pour a little pitcher of light into the soul of the world.
We hope you will join us.
Curious?
Walk down this rabbit hole to get all the details:
http://www.overtherhine.com/makearecord.php
Love from Nowhere,
Linford and Karin

PS:Karin and I will be selling a few of our worldly possessions to help make this possible, including (some vintage) musical instruments and (some vintage) recording equipment that we no longer use regularly, some of which we utilized to record past Over the Rhine projects. Stay tuned if you’d like to own a little physical piece of OtR history.

___

Now, was that just gorgeous? I feel so good inside. Now, where is my credit card....?

Today, I feel grateful.

2010-04-22T23:13:00.002-04:00

It's been a good couple of weeks in these parts.

I just got back from a trip to Boston for work. I love Boston. In fact, I just love the whole Northeastern part of this country. I hope to move back to that area sooner than later. It's so peaceful to me, and so cozy. Warm (in the metaphysical sense), and inviting. Just so darn pleasant.

My album sales are going ok, although they could be much better, based on the amount of people listening. I'm not sure what to think of that. Most likely, my audience is mostly just children of the 21st century, and they don't feel it necessary to BUY something they can listen to for free. It's a dilemma, because I'd really rather leave the songs up for free, but doing that means not selling anything. The question becomes whether removing the free option and placing for sale only on iTunes will actually increase activity, or just cause people to not care at all. So it goes.. I guess we will see? I'm so glad the album is done, though -- what a relief! It's like having a child that had a 15 month gestation period. Feels much better!

Speaking of babies, so many of my friends are having them. I remember when the stage in life of "people getting married" was terrifying. Just this week I discovered another friend who's pregnant, but this stage of life is shockingly less scary to me than the marriage stage was (for others, that is). I guess it makes sense, seeing as working in orphan care sort of overly stimulates the parental instinct. I think it's quite cute, my girlfriends getting their little homes ready for their kids.

(the news is on in my room right now. What a joke.... local news in FL is so bad! It's like a frat party advertisement or something... the constant panning of the camera and the fisheye lens focusing in and out of the inordinately 19-year-old looking "broadcasters"... really!?! Is this journalism?)

Anyway.

After the busyness of the past few weeks, I find myself feeling really grateful. I'm lucky to be able to do an album at this stage in life, to have a job that I enjoy and in which I even get to travel a bit, and to live in a community I can enjoy. I'm usually more of a glass half empty sort of person, but lately I've been feeling strangely optimistic. Probably the biggest opposition to optimism for me is the feeling that I'm on some sort of time crunch.... as though I have to do everything I want to/should in the here and now. I've been realizing lately that we are young, and we still have time. I had dinner in Boston a few nights ago with a group of people who are in their 60s, and are all starting new careers. There is a lot of time. Really. No need to freak out about life going downhill fast.

I should sleep. My old body needs more sleep than that of an infant. My optimism might fade fast if I don't get to bed soon.

Goodnight, friends.

I should be a song lyric, but not the good kind.

2010-04-08T09:26:00.002-04:00

The older I get, the 'briefer' my moments of clarity become. Seemingly.

I'm in a sort of funk this week. I keep trying to tell myself to snap out of it, but I apparently have no control of my own emotions. All week I've been moody and negative and generally ready to snap at anyone who comes too close. Poor Harrison. As one insightful and pleasantly open-and-honest friend once said, "I must be a nightmare to date."

I can't figure out why I tend toward pessimism. I think my field of study/interest/once-and-hopefully-again work/career forces me to be a realist and an optimist. Who wants an orphan care worker who thinks we're all doomed? Especially in HAITI. Really? I work as an optimist.

But when it comes to personal things, or just day to day non-work stuff, I can be a real debbie downer. I think I'm worse about it when Harrison is around because I (unfairly) expect that he will be my optimism. He'll talk me out of things. I've realized lately that I've always done this to my mom, too. Just spit out all of my negativity on her. It's not really fair, but my mom just listens and says it will be ok. Harrison doesn't like it so much, though, and I can't blame him. Women in my family (ones that are born Porters, at least) seem to have a strong penchant for pessimism. I know from being on the other side of it (being the listener) that it can be really tough to deal with. I shouldn't expect that anyone likes to listen to it from me.

Thing is... this is always how I've dealt with problems. I analyze the heck out of them, then I think through/verbalize/spit out everything that is wrong, then I work on making the wrongs right. It works in my job. It works in Haiti. It's a little harder in personal life. I mean, I'm not emotionally attached to problems in my office (usually). Hence, I can analyze and troubleshoot without disturbing my whole day. It's a little harder when locations and daily living and relationships are the things one is tearing apart.

I have to admit, I get a little jealous when I see people who are just so darn blissfully happy with things. I have many days when I feel that way (really, I do!!), but I also have days every couple months where I just feel a little... empty. I miss my girlfriends and I miss Haiti and the kids, and I miss living in the city (or at least near one, where things are more convenient). I'm such a whiner during these times, and I really don't even like myself. Funny thing is, I fully recognize the folly of my ways, and yet, it's such a struggle to overcome them. Oh, humans.

I recently found out that a few good friends of mine are pregnant. A couple others are going to have children in the next several weeks. When I was in college, I really thought that the life of a family (husband, child, house, mortgage, etc.) and the life of a social advocate (single, chasing the wind, living on a prayer, etc.) were and would always be mutually exclusive. Probably the most strongly fought/longest lived issue for me over the past couple years has been realizing that maybe this isn't true. I loved my time in Haiti, chasing around with no personal responsibilities and taking care of the kids. I thought, from time to time, that maybe I'd move there. But it always came back to the same thing for me.... this life (missionary-esque) is great, but I don't feel 'called' to it. (Or I don't feel like it's for me, or what I should do, or whatever you want to call it.) I've always felt that I was better off for the good of humanity being here, in the US, and working to engage people, foundations, communities, money, business planning, etc. for those 'in the field.' I've said this a billion times before. But... it still comes up. I don't know how to find this 'perfect' job that I want and will feel fulfilled in. In my experience, good things happen when you're least expecting them. Maybe I should try to expect less?

Anyway, I see these friends of mine who are having babies, and ones getting married, and I think... Are they selling the dream? Or just making their priorities spread over a larger area? I realize that's not really a profound idea, but it throws mutual exclusivity out the window, which everyone else probably did 5 years ago but I'm just getting to recently. I was always a late bloomer. The married/children/career life is not impossible. (Say that 3 times a day to yourself, Amy.) It's not to say that this life is for everyone, but assuming it's a selling of the soul is a TERRIBLE plan. I know better, but my brain seems to apply different rules to everyone else than it does to the self. I'm by far and away my own worst critic. See, emo songs could be written about me.

Anyway, I'm trying to learn to be more positive and less 'the sky is falling' about the smallest of changes in life. I hate change in the short term. I'm good with it over time, but immediately, I freak out every time. It kicks the moods into high gear. God bless those of you who have spent considerable time around me in these moods. I'm working on it, I promise.

Proud. ish.

2010-03-31T15:18:00.003-04:00

A couple of weeks ago, I found out that the small town next to Ave Maria was running out of food. Literally.

Immokalee is a town about 6 miles from Ave Maria that is composed almost entirely of migrant farm workers. In the 'winter' months (most of the year), the workers and their families live here in SW Florida and harvest crops the local farms. Even on the best of days, the situations in which these workers are forced to live are atrocious. I talked to my friend Soyla last week who told me she'd just finished a talk with a young woman living in Immokalee. The woman was coming to Soyla's church for financial assistance, because she is paying $175/week for her house. She has no running water, no electricity, poor plumbing. And she pays $175/week. That's an excess of $700/month. To put it in perspective, I live in a gated golf course community in Ave Maria, a five minute drive down the road, and I pay less than 80% of that amount. We have a screened in back porch.

It's criminal, truly. The 'men' who own the farms pay the workers a pittance to begin with, and then force them to live in housing owned by the farmers, else they will turn the workers in for deportation. The farmers prey on the weakest of those coming from places like Haiti, Mexico, and Columbia in order to exploit them for cheap labor. Nearly 100% of the workers' pay goes straight back into the farmers in order to pay the exorbitant rent price. Is this America? The land of the free and the home of the brave? Criminals.

For reasons I'm still discovering, little is done about this on a government level. From what I understand, the local authorities don't turn in the farmers because crops are a huge part of the Floridian economy, and they don't want to lose the ability to make cash on the crops by having to ...oh, I don't know.. pay a decent living wage. The corruption goes right up the scale. It's tragic.

Anyway, this year has been particularly hard on those in Immokalee, because of the cold weather. This part of Florida usually stays above 50 degrees in the winter. This year, we had weeks on end of temperatures in the 40s, and several drops below freezing, which resulted in the destruction of large amounts of crops. When there is nothing to harvest, there is no work for the farmers. When there is no work, there is no food. I don't even want to know how people managed to pay the rent, if they did.

There is a church in Immokalee (where Soyla works -- Our Lady of Guadalupe parish) that has a food pantry. On any given day, they service about 300 people. This year, there were lines out the door every night, and within a few weeks, the food was simply gone. Gone. They had to turn away about 600 people for several nights in a row. Children, women who were nursing or pregnant. Going home hungry. Meanwhile, the Publix store in Ave Maria throws away mass amounts of food every week because there isn't enough business in the store to balance out the shelf life of dairy and meat products.

When I heard about the food stores running out at the pantry, I did the first thing I could think of (after going to the store to buy rice). Being that I am on staff at AMU, I have access to every email address in our system. Staff, faculty, and students. Being that most everyone here is involved in the university in one way or another, I figured sending an email could at least inform everyone, and see if people might step up to help.

I sent one email, stating a simpler and much less strong version of what is written here. That was a couple weeks ago. Since then, I've just left my office door open for people to drop things off. We've collected about $6000 that I know of (some envelopes were sealed, so I don't know what was in them) and at least three car-fulls of clothing and food. It won't change the world, but at least it will help for now, until the orange crops are ready to harvest later this month (hopefully). I'm pretty proud of Ave Maria, for stepping up when they were asked. I wish we initiate a regular staff person whose job it was to create relationships between Ave Maria and Immokalee, in order to create sustainable change. The Ave Maria town founder stated explicitly that the reason AMU was built in this area was to be of assistance to Immokalee. There are programs in place, such as the one that hires Immokalee residents to do construction and maintenance for all AMU property. But still, I can't help but think we can do more -- tangibly. For now, we work with what we can get, and pray for doors to open for more permanent bridges.

After seeing the devastation of the earthquake in Haiti this year, I was struck by something somewhat different than I expected. I'm in love with Haiti and its children. I always will be. What I didn't quite realize until the earthquake was how desperately close many of the diaspora of Haitians here in the US are to the events that take place in Haiti. Helping Haiti, of course, means assistance in-country, and I love doing that with my own hands when I'm able. But it also means caring for the Haitians that have come to the US, seeking a better life for their children. Even the poverty of Immokalee is a step up from Haitian slums. As humans, we owe it to our brothers and sisters to act where we can. We may not all be able to go to Haiti, but we all have poverty in our back years. Immokalee, my back yard, is in desperate need. If you're interested in knowing more, let me know.

In the words of St. Aelred of Rievaulx, "Charity may be a very short word, but with its tremendous meaning of pure love, it sums up man's entire relation to God and to his neighbor."

God Bless,
ap

You know what I'm envious of?

2010-03-08T12:55:00.002-05:00

People with excellent memories. Mine is so awful at times. Even shabby about things that were pleasant, and should be remembered.

For example:
I was watching Planet Earth again things weekend...the ones about Caves. I remember going to a cave with my family when I was a kid, and being fascinated by stalactites and stalagmites. Too bad the only thing I remember about it was that we went. And I enjoyed it. And one vauge photo in my brain of being inside the cave. That was a fun experience, but if someone took me there again today, I would not be able to tell you that I'd been before.

This is just one of the millions of reasons I wish I had a better memory. It's like aging too fast. By the time I'm 40, I probably won't know my own name.

time

2010-03-02T09:35:00.004-05:00

I wish I had more of it. Mostly to write.

Last night I had a weird moment before bed. Most of my life, I remember having these occasional moments.... where I'm just going about my business, and then for whatever reason, it's like the clouds part and I can see clearly for just a second or two. (Hence: brief moments of clarity, and no... I'm not an alcoholic stealing the term from my last AA meeting.) Anyway, last night, I was getting ready for bed after having spent the evening reading/hanging out with some friends, and I looked over at my guitar. I felt like I was staring at a little neglected child. The kind that have flattened backs-of-heads because they never get picked up.

Ok...overdramatic. There were other, more important things that I thought about, but one was simply this...

It's far too easy for us to get wrapped up in day to day life, and forget about what we really love. I've said it before... 9 to 5 jobs and all the trappings of chores, errands, etc. can be deadly to the soul. "This American dream may be poisonous..." Humans experience the great dilemma of having to live in this odd little universe, but not really belonging in it. Weird. Everyday I get up (after my alarm has been sounding for a good 45 minutes) and I tell myself that this is going to be a good day. I go to a job that I'm grateful for, although it's not my dream work, and I come home and go through the processes of being an adult. I do it because I think it's the station I'm in right now, and there are some really good things about it. (I'm told that I'm too negative at times, so I'm trying to be more positive. There are long lists of good things -- Harrison, friends, a great place to learn, a liveable salary, etc.) .....But I miss adventure. I miss hopping on planes, and spending whole evenings playing my guitar, and having an unpredictable life. I have really come to enjoy my little community of Ave Maria, here. It's so darn cute, and I've met some really quality people. I do, though, pray for the days when my life has a little more... zing! to it.

It's such an odd thing, being a human. We have to get these jobs in order to pay for all the things that we need, mostly because we need them to get to these jobs. I get it that someone has to work a 9 to 5, and someone has to run the businesses of the world. No disrespect to that at all. But man... I feel like I was made for adventures! Story telling! Crazy late night memories that can only happen in underdeveloped areas (which there are plenty of right here in our American back yards).

The scary thing is this --

I'm the sort of person that could run off and be a renegade. I could. But I have seen, in my short life, the innate dangers of doing such a thing. The 'biting off more than one can chew' mentality that ultimately leads to mismanagement, and furthermore, decreased productivity. I fully believe that social work must be done within the context of a structure (as much as possible) and that understanding that one person can't possibly do it all is the basis of a functional economy or economic project. But... renegade life is tempting! To run off and save the world, alone, relying on God's grace alone. Ultimately, though, I don't believe in relying on God's grace alone. In fact, I think that renegades often abuse the grace of God by not doing the due diligence and preparation necessary, not to mention forming a team by which each can focus on his/her specific task. I realize it's not always possible, but we should at least try. Rome wasn't built in a day. It also wasn't built by one guy.

I apologize for the fact that my blog has really just turned into my time to rant about internal crises. I guess my hope is that someone else feels the nagging of the soul that I do, and maybe they will be able to relate to discomfort with the ordinary. I don't want a three story house in the suburbs. I don't want a white picket fence and iced tea (well, maybe I do want iced tea....).

Furthermore, I hope that someone can relate to this ---

There is a very fine line between listening and understanding. When it comes to a God, I don't think we get to understand all the time, although we should try to listen. I'm not talking about voices in your head. I'm talking about logic and consciousness that God gave to all of us. With a healthy dose of willingness to give it all up, if necessary.

For me, staying in the comfortable American life is a sacrifice. I would so much rather hop borders all day long. At times, I'm incredibly jealous of the friends I have who live overseas (or at least travel there all the time) and get to be a part of the miracle of service on a regular basis. I try to get involved locally, but it's just... not the same... right now. I realize, though, that life abroad is not my station at the moment. I'm learning all the things that are necessary to run a successful non-profit (thank God for my bosses --- they are fabulous examples to me). I'm learning about how hard it is to be involved in mission work stateside, even as a volunteer. I'm learning patience. And I'm bad at it (patience, that is). VERY bad at it, as it were.

I'm going back to Haiti in a couple weeks, and I've been doing a lot of praying...hoping that some clarity will come to me there. I never have felt that I should live overseas full time. Again and again, we've seen people who come home to the US, and their passion for the 'field' causes them to think they're meant to live in Haiti, or wherever else they might imagine. Then, they get there, and realize that isn't true. For me, that's always been the case. I imagine it still will be... my emotions are a little more intense this time, probably because I haven't seen my beloved Haiti in 6 months. That's a long time. But I still feel that I'm most useful in the States. I just want to be able to hop the border once a month. Or once every 6 weeks. That's not so much to ask... right? (?)

Oh, on another note. I will be Catholic in a month. Crazy, huh? I'm excited, albeit nervous. I don't like explaining things, although I guess I should be prepared to do so. Structure, a universal faith, an unmatched respect for women, a belief in the sanctity of life... they were all a big help to me.

I'll quit rambling now, and get back to work.

ap

Ramble, ramble.

2010-01-16T00:57:00.003-05:00

I haven't been sleeping well this week. And I've been overtired.

Ever since Wednesday morning, when I realized the devastation of the earthquake I'd heard about when I received a call at about 5:15 pm the night before asking me to get online and find out details, my brain and heart have been sweating from exhaustion. Today, I finally let myself breathe and take it all in for a moment, and I wept.

The world mourns with Haiti right now, but my emotions seem so abnormal. In some way, I feel as though I'm watching my own child suffer. As though each and every baby walking the streets of those cities was born and bred by me, and I hate being 1000 miles away from them right now. Even before the earthquake struck, I've been desperately missing Haiti for months. I haven't been there since early September, and there are somewhat frequent days when I miss the children so much that I cry. Just to think of their little faces and exuberant smiles can bring me to tears missing them. Even after having spent a relatively short period of time there, I seem to be able to immediately identify every Haitian I see here in FL, and I feel myself instantly drawn to them. Harrison and I have committed to learning as much French as we possibly can this summer. For him, it will help with grad school. For me, Haiti.

So many people are trying to mobilize now, and to find a way to help the desperately needy people. I'm glad for this, as any person with half a heart is, but I find myself feeling a little upset that no one noticed them until now. Every 18 months or so, something terrible happens in Haiti, and it gets a lot of attention. People give money with the best of intentions. Then, the dust settles and everyone forgets again. I guess that might just be human nature, but its awful for Haiti. Even when money is sent (in good times), the gov't corruption is so that it hardly does any good unless it's filtered through a really good NGO. Even at THAT point, there is so little cooperation between NGOs in Haiti that much money, time, and energy are spent on unnecessary, redundant overhead cost. Thousands of people recognize these problems, but no one has yet found a way to fix it. I could spend hours writing about the problems that have brought Haiti to where it is now, and the million plausible solutions of how to fix them. But tonight, little of that really matters. Tonight, there are thousands of children who are upping the numbers of orphans in Haiti (750,000 orphans in a country of 8 million, a staggering 9.4% of the total population), and this mami is grieving for them. This mami is wishing she could be there. In some way, I guess I arrogantly feel as though my presence, not necessarily my words or actions, but just my presence, might be able to help one or two crying, hurting babies tonight, in the dark of another terrifying night spent alone and outdoors.

I've heard the missionaries in Haiti say a thousand times that for them, being in the US would be much harder than living in Haiti. They love it there. They love everything about it. That doesn't mean it's not hard, but it's of little matter to them. I've never felt as though I'm 'called' to full time living in Haiti, but I know it will be a part of my life forever, and in a very deep and intimate way. Right now, I'm working a 9 to 5 and I'm getting a really unique opportunity to learn the ins and outs of running a business and raising funds for it, and I'm incredibly grateful for that. I know that this is my road, and as much as I don't want to be a Major Gifts Officer forever, I know this is a precious step in my road back to Haiti and to orphan care. For me, being here is harder right now. But I feel confident that it is part of the plan.

No matter how confident I might be, my heart still longs and aches and breaks for the babies. I pray that the Blessed Mother will wrap her arms around my babies tonight, around all the babies and women and men who are lost, suffering, hurting... who are somebody's babies. I pray that Our Lord would empower and encourage the powers that be to cooperation.

Sometimes when I fall asleep at night, I see their little faces. I remember funny things they've said to me. Just this morning, I walked into the restroom of my SW Florida home, and I saw an almost dead cockroach struggling on its back in my bathtub. I suppose my normal response might have been, "Eww, gross." But today, I saw it and laughed, because I remembered the day that I was staying at the girls' house and one of the older girls, Nehemie, came running up the stairs to my room yellling, "La cucuracha, la cucuracha!" I paid little attention, until she started jumping up and down and yelling my name. I thought she was just singing a song! (and maybe that she'd sung the song in Spanish, assuming I'd understand better than if she'd sung it in Creole.) But in reality, she didn't know the English word for cockroach, and there was a huge roach in the girls' sink! It was rather amusing for me, although the girls didn't find it so funny :) I removed the roach and normalcy resumed. Even in Haiti, teenage girls yell and scream when they see roaches!

God save the children. God show me the way back to them. God be our guide. Mother Church be our help.

"And hold them in your arms, until I can hold them in mine."

Goodnight all,

Haiti: volume X

2010-01-14T10:14:00.003-05:00

I've been going a little off the deep end since Tuesday night about this Haiti thing.

If you've ever talked to me for more than 5 minutes, you probably have heard me talk about Haiti. It's in my DNA, or my blood, or something else internal and intricate. I have a lot of thoughts running through my head at the moment in relation to economics, tragedy, the Haitian people, their history, our efforts, the efforts of others. I'll try to organize them soon, but for now, my statement is this:

We need to be generous. And we need to be RESPONSIBLE in our generosity. After nearly 3 years of studying Haiti and charity there, my recommendations are these:

1. Catholic Relief Services -- your best bet in helping this and other circumstances in the immediate future. www.crs.org
2. American Red Cross -- they are very active in the IMMEDIATE situation, which is colossal. www.americanredcross.org
3. Hope for Haiti -- Naples based org that financially supports hundreds of schools, hospitals, and feeding centers. They are involved in immediate relief in PAP as we speak. www.hopeforhaiti.com
4. ActionAid International -- very reputable, long term help in Haiti. www.actionaid.org

Please take a few moments to read these sites and choose one that you feel comfortable with. I have spent time studying each of them, and I assure you I'm quite the stickler for responsible aid.

Today, I'm attending a meeting of local Haitians who are broken from loss of family, or no contact with family. I will pray for their souls, and the souls of those who have gone onto the next world.

One more thing -- and I'll elaborate later... There is nothing heroic about reinventing the wheel. Nothing at all. In fact, you just look like a fool when you do it. There are literally thousands of charities in Haiti, and if even just a small percentage would work together, they could do so much more good. Unfortunately, lots of people want to be renegades, and they insist, as a result of pride and arrogance, on working alone. As a result, thousands of Haitians suffer. I can't stand it. There are well established orgs. like Catholic Relief and Red Cross that have worked in these areas for years upon years, and yet so many people think they're smarter, and must do things their way, without authority. Who pays the price for that? The children. The poor pay the price. How charitable is that?

This is yet another reminder of why I serve the Universal Church, the truly Catholic Church. Only in unity can we succeed. The Catholic Church is the single largest social organization in the entire world, and has been for centuries. They also have a spotless financial record. That's something I can stand behind. I pray that others will stand behind Her, too, as we try to put the pieces of millions of broken lives back together. God save us all.

More to come --

"And hold them in your arms, until I can hold them in mine."

ap

At Another Year's End

2009-12-25T18:18:00.002-05:00

As another year comes to a close, I find myself in the usual mood of sentimentality. It's been quite a year for my family, as it has been for millions of Americans and global citizens facing unemployment, failed business a re-prioritizing that was not exactly asked for. All in all, though, I think Americans have learned from this struggle, and are hopefully better off for it. I hope we're all learning that it's really the people in our lives and the beliefs we hold to that matter much more than which clubs we maintain a membership to or how large our bank balances are. It's good to have a little reality check time and again, although it may be a painful process.

Today, as my family members opened gifts via webcam from several states away, and my little cousins excited tore the paper off of their new books and clothes here at home, I found myself entirely changed from a year ago. And I think think possibly Pope John Paul's famous "Do Not Be Afraid" may have a part to play in the change.

A year ago, I was gainfully employed at a job that was very fulfilling, although very draining and at times, stressful in the not-so-good way. I was fighting away (albeit without complete success) the feelings I had for a boy whom I trusted more than anyone in the world, and I was beginning an adventure toward Catholicism which has now taken a full-throttle push forward. But some things haven't changed, like the warm feeling of being home and the likelihood to spend most of tomorrow reading and seeing as many friends as possible.

Now, 12 months later, I'm working at a very different sort of place. I think God knew what He was doing when He had me working in Haiti for a year before starting what most college grads consider the "years of resume building." I needed that year to push me to work hard now. That boy? Well, he and I live rather close to one another now, and seeing each other is much less of a problem than it used to be. I smile a lot when he's around, to state things one, simple way. And the decision toward Catholicism? Well, it's pretty much a done deal in my mind. I feel incredibly fortunate to have had the means of learning that I have, and I'm super excited about becoming a part of the Church after so long of flirting with the idea.

But now, things feel different. Life seems a lot more grown up in some ways. People are farther away, priorities have switched for many friends from being mostly about the self and friends to being mostly about others, either new families, new kids, or other commitments. I find myself missing the kids in Haiti a whole lot, which I never really had the experience of before, since I saw them rather frequently.

When Pope John Paul II encouraged the Church, "Do Not Be Afraid," I think he was on to more than a simple sentiment. I chatted the other night with some new friends about how much fear is encouraged in our societal structure. At my age, lots of friends are debating career moves, education moves, relational moves, etc. And there's a lot of fear present. This point in life has a whole lot to do with taking risks, and I think you'll see a pretty distinct line in the sand at some point between those who were and were not willing to take them. Loving anything is a risk, and can be terrifying. Deciding to bring up the elephant in the room that has caused a rift in a family relationship, having a baby, moving to a new state, getting married -- all can be very positive, but very scary. Evangelicals have a tendency to focus a bit too much, I think, on the idea of trusting God, without paying attention to the practical matters. Most secularists, on the other hand, focus on moving in a logical pattern, involving little trust in anything but the self. It's interesting. I think humans have to find a good mix of the two to really move forward. There are decisions in life that one will never really be "ready" for, but they're smart to make, anyway, after a certain amount of thought. Our society, though, encourages us toward a lot of fear about committing to almost anything. A religion, a simple value, a person, a career. Previous generations didn't see this fear near as much as we did. Many of our parents and grandparents got a job after high school and worked it until they retired. They married their high school sweethearts. They had kids before many of us finished undergrad. Was it because they had no other options? Maybe. But maybe they were just not as affected by the options of not deciding the way we are. I've said it before -- opportunities are good, but they are not amoral. There are times when they can just confuse us.

I chatted with my friend Christa yesterday about the idea of two strong people coming together. For me, dating a weakling was never really an option. I got bored too fast. But I wouldn't trade a strong and driven person for anything. It can be really convoluted, but it's a wonderous challenge, when you think about it. Does it make life complicated to have family members who live all over the country and all have their own lives to tend to? Yes. Does it make life complicated that seemingly all of those closest to me are very goal-oriented and thus, we're lucky to see each other once a year? Yes. But... I'm proud to have these people in my life. And I'm proud of their tenacity in chasing their goals. It makes our time together that much more sweet. And it makes what we can do to serve God and others so much more powerful.

All in all, I guess my point is this: Life is complication. And our new age of transience and opportunity can make it even more complicated. But I wouldn't trade it for the world. I feel so lucky to have a family that loves me, friends who faithfully stand by one another, and a strong relationship with a man who has more potential than he certainly knows. In the midst of losing jobs, family members moving away, and friends scattering to all corners of the earth, I'm glad to know that ultimately, we are bound by one thing: Our ultimate purpose in serving Our Lord.

Here's to 2010, and all that it may bring. Free of fear.

Merry Christmas, friends.

Love,
ap

Words of Experience.

2009-12-13T15:39:00.006-05:00

I've been really missing the kids in Haiti this week. My mom is there right now, and as much as I love that she's there, I hate that I'm not.

My God, I still can't quite get how that place stole so much of me... and kept it when I came home. Sometimes I wake up at night and I physically feel the pain of not being there for awhile. I get the itch to return about once a month or so.

Anyway, I was looking today at some blogs online of people who have visited Mother Teresa's orphanages and Homes for the Sick and Dying in Haiti. I was rather struck by the closing lines of this one --

"Haiti had bared her teeth to me, and all the naked death and dust and garbage spilled out around me, until I felt I might be buried unless I unleashed my emotions. But I had none to let go, no sobbing like Mary and Julie needed, no shaking hands or breath catching in my throat. Instead, I felt a tiny thrill of joy that these women and I (had) met, fragile as the curl of dawn, that my hands caressed their(s). I paused, beating at this feeling - sure there could be no positive feelings from a visit to the hopeless. The gloves made me gag, but amid all the horror, the women had seen me, and I them; I recalled the faint smile lifting a woman's face and my own grin. A faint butterfly struggled within my breast, so I allowed it to stay there for awhile, perched on my heartstrings. A butterfly, a butterfly! I just saw a butterfly flutter past the window as I said my silent farewells to this island I so love. A yellow one! A sign from God. It's like what (the) Haitians told me: Watch Haiti, feel her, know her, (and) she will embrace you. I felt something in me finally sigh. It is time to dance on one foot with the Haitians, and know she flows through my veins, and all the poignant silences of the women (people) are wrapped and absorbed by her, too."

My, oh my. I wonder, at times, what the point of living is if we're not serving others in the process? I'm told I can be polemic about this at times, but if I am, it is only in attempt to challenge the status quo. I struggle, even now, to live and work a "normal" life in the US, even when I feel that it is a good thing, and will lead me "There, and back again" to the children and the nation I've grown to love so dearly. My heart can hardly take hearing their little voices on the phone saying, "Mami Amy, when you going to come back to see us?" AH! My answer is always the same: As soon as I can.

Oddly, I still fight with what I know. I've never felt called to full time work overseas, but I'm at a great loss without this work somehow in my daily life. I'm doing what I can to get involved with local poor here, and organizations that work overseas. I look forward to the day when I can go back and forth so frequently again. I miss the sights, the sounds, the people of Haiti. I miss the joy, the purpose, the light on their big, dark smiles. I miss the rush and responsibility. I miss the sisterhood.

Like Bilbo said, "It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your front door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's not knowing where you might be swept off to."

I know the feeling, Frodo. Six years of chasing back and forth across borders, and no matter where I am, I always get the itch to hop the border to somewhere else, the island far from my home and close to my heart. May we always remember.

bah-humbug.

2009-12-01T10:03:00.003-05:00

You know, I really love the Christmas season. But for just one second, allow me to whine.

1. It's 80 degrees in Florida. How the H and I supposed to enjoy my Christmas sweaters and warm apple cider in this?!?!

2. I've realized that flying to my family will cost me an arm and a leg. Both. The only way to do it is to just go straight to PA, rather than the two day stop at my sister's house in NC. My mom says that's fine, I can just see everyone after Christmas. I guess that's ok, but I'm annoyed. Why does everyone in our culture insist on being so non-communal at times? I can't go home early because I have this job... that prohibits taking days off at the moment. My sister can't come home because she hates long drives, and her husband doesn't have many days off either. Bah-humbug to that.

Isn't Christmas the one time of year that everyone is supposed to get together in the home and feel taogetherness and happiness and cheer? Good tidings? Or large travel expenses and scattered family members. I don't like it.

BUT... I do love the Sarah McLachlan Christmas album, which I've been listening to constantly. She's so dang good. Makes me want to play piano all day long and get really good at it.

I'll get home for Christmas somehow. I'm just really tired of transcience. I know I'm to blame for distance, too. I debate sometimes as to whether all these rich-people opportunities we have these days are even good for us. We are so enlightened. Can't we be enlightened and still remember the goodness of family? Seems rather difficult.

No fun post. I'm sorry.

My heart misses Haiti.

2009-11-23T09:23:00.002-05:00

Pretty badly these days.

Ah, I miss the kids. I miss the early mornings when you really DON'T want to get up, but you hear the pitter-patter of the littlest ones outside your door, and you just can't help but go see them as they bumble around in their super-cute little kid PJs. I miss seeing the faces of the street kids, and being able to quickly identify what to do in a day using efficiency only. I miss the feeling of extreme purpose.

Sometimes I wonder if really my feelings toward service are selfish. I mean, we all feel good when we serve. Maybe that's God's defense mechanism or something, but it's true. Nonetheless, being human is about serving, and I miss the tangible ways that service is played out in orphan care. In all my trips, I've never felt "called" to live in Haiti (or really, the developing world), but I terribly miss the visits. I terribly miss the babies.

Can I go back soon -- please?

I've been looking into Catholic World Mission. I wonder if they work in Haiti?

ap

Ch-Ch-Changes

2009-11-19T09:33:00.002-05:00

Transitions, changes... whatever you want to call it, I'm still not great at it.

For a little (/too much) transparency, let me just talk about the craziness that occasionally takes place in between meetings and dinners. Well, and ... the rest of life.

I've always felt pretty pulled between various ideas and ways of life. For as long as I can remember, I've been really jealous of people who just seemingly subscribe to one way of living, and never question it. Of late, I've begun to realize that all of this self-analyzing is really very... selfish. Duh. But I guess I always thought it was worthwhile in some way. I still (sort of) do, but it just goes way too far sometimes.

As much as I may not want to admit it, I can be a real trip to deal with sometimes. I feel pulled between a few lives, and I'm never quite sure how to reconcile them. On one hand, I have the career, which for me, is really very purposeful and about people... I don't work to get rich (else I'd be a fool for choosing non-profit work!). But nonetheless, my way of serving still means dress code, formal meetings, 8:30 - 5, and (like it or not) a certain level of climbing the ladder. On the other hand, my passion is for the underprivileged, and while I don't despise the road to getting back to them, I miss the hands-on interaction with kids that I had while working for Danita's Children. And I sometimes want to hop a plane and move to where they are. (which lends itself to a very minimalistic sort of lifestyle). Oh, and then there's the fact that I (again, whether I want to admit it or not) have sort of an overactive maternal instinct. I can't say this is bad, or surprising, since my primary interest in "career" is orphan care, but it still throws people off, since I guess having a job that requires you to look professional stands in opposition to being.. maternal? Weird.

Growing up as the youngest of three kids, I spent most of my time looking up at everyone else, figuring out how to live life based on their successes and failures. I don't think I fully realized how much I used this blueprint approach to life until I graduated from college. My older sister, Hillary, got married a few weeks after her graduation. I, on the other hand, was still in uber-independent, slightly bitter man-hating mode when I graduated. I was on the career path, no matter how much my sister reasoned that I hated being alone and wouldn't want to be forever. She was right, but I do think I needed my time to work that out of my system. Nonetheless, I felt, at that point, that I couldn't look at my sister as a blueprint anymore, and I freaked.

Since then, I've realized that my former statement isn't entirely true, but nonetheless, I did have to forge my own path more than I did in, say, high school. In the past year, working in Haiti, and then becoming interested in Catholicism, and then getting into a relationship, and then re-evaluating career choices... I've had a few women along the way who I've been able to work with directly, and who have been helpful in guiding me a bit. In our super-independence based, non-community driven, uber-enlightenment culture, it's not very cool to admit that you really need community. But, like Dorothy Day said, "We have all known the long loneliness, and we have found that the answer is community."

Anyway, I see women (family and otherwise) who manage to fulfill their career aspirations (in the good sense, not the crazy sense) and still have families. I've beginning to believe more and more that family is not just a privilege, but really, an obligation. I feel very strongly about orphan care, and child care, and I can't ignore that. There's a lady in town here who I've gotten to know a bit. Dr. Cait is a dentist. Her husband is a professor of Lit at AMU. She has her own practice here in town that she works out of part-time, and they have 8 children she stays with during the rest of the week. On the days she works, her husband is home. If one of them can't be there, they have a family who will help with the kids. I don't know how they do it all, but they do. And they seem really happy and content with it, and somehow still find time to attend daily mass and work out. I don't know... I guess it just gives me hope in a different way, that it can be done, if it's what you're called to.

Blah, blah, blah, I'm getting too sappy. Point: It's good to have mentors and family and friends to look up to. It's also good to recognize that you don't have to be exactly like them to learn from them. And we all have a unique set of gifts to utilize -- we have to be willing to do so.

I'm not very good at...

2009-11-17T08:51:00.004-05:00

Transitions. Of any kind. Sometimes I think we make up these ideas of who we are, but then life smacks us in the face, and we realize we aren't that thing. Ugh. "I'll take the confidence, none of the over analysis, and a side of good cheer, eh?"

Maybe the first step in being able to change a bad behavior really is recognizing you have it. Sounds cliche, but it's WAY easier to act like you've got the world in your hand. Especially in the absence of those ever-important same-gender friends. I was really quite spoiled in high school and college to have a good group of friends around me. Maybe I'm a big wimp, but I don't tend to thrive super well when they're not around. My sister says I'm very moldable to my surroundings. I used to think that was nuts, but sometimes I think maybe she's right. Which is a real downer on a few levels.

Instead of being cryptic, let me try to flesh this out.

When we (humans) are in a really tough situation, I think we instinctively know how to prioritize. We don't over-analyze whether or not our neighbor was rude when his starving kid and my starving kid found a scrap of food and he took it for his kid. Our survival instincts kick in, and hopefully with that, we also enter into a servant-like attitude. We learn how to do what needs done -- we kick into "go" mode, if you will. I've been in a few of these situations in life, and for whatever reason, I seem to do well under the pressure.

But then I come back to the US, and I live what most people consider to be a "normal" life, and I suck at it sometimes. It's hard to not over-analyze, to not get a little OCD about stupid things that really don't even matter. It's like my brain really needs something serious to worry about. Otherwise I worry about really dumb stuff. The instinct doesn't turn off... I just have no good use for it amid my office job, romantic relationship and normal friendships of the everyday.

I wonder... were some people made for crisis? I realize that my psychology friends will likely see a huge red flag right about now, and might think I'm a nut job... somehow seeking a terrible situation to live in (and can I blame them? The statement sounds duely crazy). I'm not looking to pick up a drug habit or anything, though. I'm just wondering if my crisis-management skills are being.... unused? Maybe they have a good purpose.

I just read a story yesterday about a man who lives here in SW Florida. His name is Dr. Villarosa. The man is a pediatrician, and although he lives in Naples (a wealthy city by most any standard), he chooses to spend his time working in Immokalee, a city very near Ave Maria, which has been at times rated as the poorest city in the SE United States. I believe it's been at the top of list of poorest cities in the US at times, too. It's entirely an immigrant town, and something like 90% of the citizens are under the poverty level. Hardly anyone speaks English, and I won't even go into a description of the way the rich, white farm owners have found ways to disenfranchise these people. Anyway....

Dr. Villarosa has a clinic in Immokalee, and he goes there everyday (about a 50 minute commute each way, I believe) to care for the children. He is often not paid, since the kids have no insurance. He likely gives away more than he makes in diapers, food and care.

Recently, Dr. V was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. He's terribly in need himself now. Yesterday at my staff meeting, our VP told us that he's still seeing patients, but wearing a mask over his face because he cannot risk getting sick. Did I mention that Immokalee's crime rate is through the roof? Frail and sick, he still serves. That's a man with a mission.

Story: http://www.naplesnews.com/news/2008/feb/21/immokalee-pediatrician-says-caring-low-income-kids/

When I read things like this, I think about what it's like to really live a life worth living. I don't have any problem with desk jobs and school and such. But I think we all have an innate need to serve. And our culture doesn't really hand that to us on a silver platter these days. I'm going to call Dr. V and see if there is anything I can do for him. Is it risky to work in Immokalee? Yes, but it's also risky to be left to wiles of your own overactive mind. And sitting around worrying about needless stuff helps no one, right?

-ap

Wiles?

2009-11-13T09:48:00.005-05:00

My new job is going pretty well. Things aren't always super exciting, but the slightly laid-back style is nice, since my last job was insanity from start to finish. They do have some sort of odd requirements here, though.

The man who is running the joint here used to own Domino's Pizza. Actually, he started/founded Domino's, and ran it until somewhat recently. He's a pretty awesome guy in the 'self-made-man' category (well, and a lot of other categories). He founded Domino's when he was really young and built it up with no college education to speak of. From the very beginning, he's always been an extremely charitable person. In order to get this university going, as well as the town, he's donated something like $450 million of his own cash. I can't even conceptualize numbers like that. Or numbers with 3 less zeroes. Man alive.

Anyway, I was lucky to find my way into this job. It's pretty standard in the way of office jobs, except that the dress code is pretty strict. In other office jobs I've had (or friends or family have had), there was always an unwritten rule about dress. Basically anything that qualifies as "business casual" was good to go. You know, slacks, sweaters, flats, whatever. Not so much around here.

Apparently Mr. Monaghan did all these studies in his younger business days, in which he determined that dress really has a significant effect on work ethic and productivity. I can buy that. We all know we feel better when we're working in...well, not our pajamas. Alright. Here at the office, though, the dress code is formal business. Meaning that the preference is that I wear a full business suit everyday, including hosiery and sensible heels. Hosiery? Unless that includes opaque tights worn under above-the-knee skirts, I'm not really familiar with it. My mom has been telling me for awhile that I should buy slips and pantyhose, but I've been trying to avoid it. Ah, so it goes.

Anyway, the heels are the things that are getting to me. I've been building up my professional wardrobe for awhile now. I sort of hate buying dressy clothes, because you never actually want to wear them. You spend all this money on clothing that you only wear by force. It seems sort of wrong. But I get it. The problem, really, is the footwear. I go home just about every night only to discover some sort of new laceration or blister on each foot. Yuck, for one. Unsanitary, for two.

I found out that Cole Haan started making these shoes that are dressy, but they have a Nike Air sole in them. They make them for men and women. I tried some on, and really, they are like walking on air (way to market, nike!). They really feel great. They're designed for people like me, who spent 40 hours minimum wearing (and walking around in) the things every week, and don't want to destroy their feet by age 35. (I have terrible memories of the way my grandmother's feet looked. It was mostly due to arthritis, but I think I remember her telling me once that heels had something to do with it?). So... Sounds like a great deal. Except they cost about $300.

Did I mention that I also can't wear pants at this job? Hence, no chance of wearing nice slip-on slides and getting away with it? No, just skirts. Everyday. EVERYday.

Let me see if I can find a picture of these things....

Now does that look like a $300 shoe? A whole student-loan payment worth of a shoe? Ugh. I hate spending money on things like this, but it's either fork out the cash or run around with bloody feet all the time. I'm not doing it yet, but maybe at Christmas. Maybe they'll go on sale.

Welcome to the Real World, Amy!!

-ap

Can't get over it.

2009-10-28T17:20:00.000-04:00

Honestly.My boyfriend tried that awesome trick where he logged on to my account and typed something about himself. Super cool. Anyway....

Have you seen this news story about the 15 year old girl who was gang-raped with up to 20 people watching, none of whom reported the crime?

Be prepared to be disgusted. http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/10/28/california.gang.rape.bystander/index.html

Aside from the obvious atrocity that this poor girl had to endure (God have mercy on her and her family), there are a few things about this that I really can't get over.

1. Since when is it an acceptable practice for psychology to excuse really poor behavior? I mean, I get it that people may have had some sort of psychological response to the way that the situation was presented to them. However, is that really a legitimate excuse for not calling authorities? I understand that psychology can be an explanation for a lot of things people do, but this takes it to an all new level, right? The 20 people who watched that poor girl be raped were not psychologically impaired in the permanent sense. They just didn't call anybody.But is that an excuse? I recently read a few other stories where people were acting really poorly, and then "getting away" with it because they said they were temporarily psychologically impaired. Those of you who study psychiatry: Would there be any way to prove that this is right or wrong? I fully understand that there are cases when such things are true. I just don't want it to become a scapegoat for everything, you know? "Sorry, I broke a nail that day and I was really upset. I didn't mean to stab my husband." ?? Someone with more experience than me, please inform me of the realities of such instances.

2. For the love of God, how can a person watch something like this happen, and do nothing about it? People in my field spend entire lives trying to expose people in the US to global events, in the hope that being aware will make a difference. But then something like this happens. Right there, in front of the consciousness of 20 people, a young woman was violated in the maybe the most pervasive and intimate of ways, and no one even picked up a cell phone to call 911. I don't mean to be a doomsday-er, but doesn't that say something about us as a society? Are we really that jaded? I'm not even going to go on a rant about pornography and the way it desensitizes. Not even going to do it.

I'm sure people can come up with millions of reasons why this happened. As previously stated, lots of psychologists have reasons that might make sense, but still aren't as watertight as their creators would probably prefer...maybe. Just hard to believe.

It's really been a banner week for 15 year olds. Aside from this, apparently some15 yr. old girl killed her little neighbor girl and some kid in FL (also 15) stabbed his brother. I'm going to quit reading the news soon! Geez! Can't we report something pleasant?!

On a lighter note, the Florida weather is finally starting to cool off a little! And I got very excited this morning about the fact that I can take some classes here next semester for free since I work here. Don't know what I'll take yet, but I think it could be fun to get back into the classroom.

Until next time.

-ap

Alright, then.

2009-10-14T16:27:00.000-04:00

Well, I got a job!

Here's the deal:

It's in the Development Office of Ave Maria University. I will be the Annual Fund Coordinator, which basically means that I deal with donors who make small gifts to the University (less than $1000 annually) and I will be encouraging them to continue their giving, and maybe even increase the amount in the coming year. I will also work on some other projects here and there, but basically the job is to increase than Annual Fund, which helps to pay for scholarships, grants, and university improvement, from what I know at this point.

The job isn't necessarily perfect, if I were living in an ideal world, but I'm pretty excited about it.

1. It's a job, and I haven't had one for a little bit now!

2. It's a regular thing - 9 to 5, good pay, etc.

3. The University offers really great benefits to employees.

4. It's literally one mile from where I'm living (enter new character: Kyrie, my very cool new roommate), so I can even ride my bike to work if I want (thanks to Chris for helping me get the bike)

5. It's technically a non-profit fund raising/development job. Every nonprofit has to do fundraising, so even if I'm not interested in working in a university forever, this is a really good opportunity to prove that I can do it, which helps for future jobs.

6. There are opportunities to move up, maybe into a junior management position, which would be pretty awesome to open up doors in development companies, too.

I'm pretty excited. The job sounds fun. The one sort of strange thing about it is that it's technically temporary, for now. I'm starting out covering for another girl's maternity leave for a few months. This seemed weird at first, but in the end, I think it's a good thing. It allows me the opportunity to still look for jobs in my field in other locations, and if I got something, I wouldn't have to feel bad quitting a job only a few months in. Also, it gives me the opportunity to move into another part of the company that I might like better, or be better at. Who knows. It's just a thought.

In other news, I'm going to get to see my whole family in the next week, which is pretty fun. I'm flying into my brother's house tonight. Then I'm going to see my parents at home this weekend, and see my sister on Saturday when I drive into her house. Yah!

I'm about to get on a flight. Back in the air for a few hours... hope to God that there are no delays this time! I do not have good luck with this airport. ha.

Looking forward to new adventures. Life feels sort of funny at the moment, but I'm excited to see what happens. Living near Harrison will be nice for awhile, and I feel like this is a good (maybe temp) move. I'm headed back to PA, which allows me a few days to see a REAL autumn, and things seem to be calming down a little bit.

love.

-ap

Paradox.

2009-10-08T14:34:00.000-04:00

If you know anyone who works in employment recruiting or the development/nonprofit field, please give them a shining recommendation of my wonderful work ethic. I'm starting to feel like last week's newspaper... trying to be re-sold with a new use. For heaven's sake, I have skills. Why can't I find a place to use them?

Does anyone other than me feel like a complete tool when sending job aps? I'm good with marketing other people, or causes or whatever... but marketing myself is really awkward. "Actually, I'm better than Suzie because I have A, B, and C skill!" Ah, it's exhausting. I'm thinking we should go back to an apprenticeship system. Anyone with me?

-ap

Art. How did I forget you?

2009-10-07T16:29:00.000-04:00

You know how when you get really busy, you tend to forget about things that really matter? Like you get tunnel vision, or something?

Well, I have somehow managed recently to forget how much I love playing music. I think I've just been really consumed the past few months in trying to get a job, and in finishing the one (music) project I have in the works, so I've not been working too hard on anything new. I talked to my brother today and remembered, again, how much more alive I feel when I'm playing music. It's funny... those things that make you really happy, but are viewed as "luxury" items, rather than necessities. I think we should take a little time to smell the roses once in awhile, you know?

So, I'm attempting to remind myself that luxuries are necessities to some extent. If you don't enjoy your life, it's hard to be very good at it. So, I'm excited to get home and start playing music again. Happiness.

Florida

2009-10-05T23:32:00.000-04:00

Been a pretty fun week here in the FL, aside from the fact that I missed Applefest, and got sick for a day. Overall, though, we've had a good time. I came down here last week to do some interviewing and in-person-resume-delivering, since Mom thought that would be a better idea than internet job searching. On the way here, I picked up some sort of stomach flu or something, and ended up sick all day last Wednesday. Since then, though, it's been fun for the having.

I'm hoping one of these interviews turns into something one of these days. I've had some pretty promising ones, I think. I'm hoping to hear some word back soon. I'm feeling better about the whole situation, having interviews and such. It's good to know that at least someone is receiving the million emails I've been sending out.

Tonight I made a big pot of chili, and a bunch of friends came over to watch House. It was rather enjoyable. I love a dinner party, even if it's a pretty casual thing. Harrison and I both enjoy hosting, so it's good to get everyone together over a good TV hour once in awhile!

I believe Harrison and I are going to watch a bit of TV together now, since he's been working too hard on finishing this paper and we haven't really hung out much at all in the last few days, just spent some time in the same room (which is still nicer than spending time in separate rooms in separate states!).

All in all a good day :)

Strong emotions.

2009-09-28T01:10:00.001-04:00

As previously mentioned, I sometimes get really angry with my own brain.

I’ve been having this big debate in my head this week about strong opinions and confrontation.

When it comes right down to it, I have really strong opinions about a lot of things. Sometimes, in the case of things like poor grammar or leaving the leftover toothpaste in the sink without washing it out, my opinions may be strong, but are useless. I mean, the world is no better or worse off for a few toothpaste blobs in the sink. I just hate it and think it’s totally gross and inconsiderate of every poor, innocent soul who has to try to wash his/her hands in the sink after the fool of a person…. Ok, you get the idea. Anyway, useless strong opinions. When I have these sorts of thoughts, it doesn’t really pain me much at all to keep them to myself, or wait until an appropriate moment comes to comically and lightly speak of them. No issue.

But in the case of other things, I’ve noticed of late that my very strong opinions are harder and harder to keep quiet. And I can’t buy this whole “be PC at all times” thing very well. I’m just not very good at that. I like to think I’m nice to people, and I certainly have respect for all different kinds of views. That’s not the issue at all. My problem is when people say their views are the same as mine, but then they make a complete mockery of my beliefs by making statements that are sorely misinformed. That gets under my skin. If someone is different, and they just know what they think, that’s not an issue at all. It’s the others that get me upset. Allow me to explain.

When you first meet people, there are those commonly known topics NOT to discuss. I don’t have much of a problem avoiding politics, or being congenial in a discussion about it. Concerning most political issues, I find myself rather able to understand both sides, even if I do have an opinion one way or the other. And, I think politics is somewhat of a ‘take what you can get’ game, where one side will never be fully right or wrong. So, I mostly just think that people have to judge things on a case-by-case basis. Hence, I don’t get too mad about pundits on either side. Most of the time. There are some moral issues that get to me sometimes.

And that’s where we get to the real problem.

I’ve been looking rather intently at Catholicism for some time now. About a year and a half, in total. I started as a Protestant skeptic, and really barely wanted to discuss the topic, other than this interest I had in the history of it. But, as time went on, I found myself reading more and more, and it was like the more I learned, the less I could get away from it. In all reality, I now (as a ready-to-be Catechumen) feel as though I just discovered what faith should be (not that I KNOW, but you get the idea). My faith has been completely changed, completely revitalized, completely enlivened, and I’m eternally thankful. I’ve done a whole lot of looking into this, and reading, and praying. Its not like I just made the decision overnight.

The problem is this: Now that many of my views have changed, I look back on my former views and think, “What the heck was I thinking?? Didn’t I realize that X idea I had didn’t even make sense?? Was I nuts???” No, I wasn’t nuts. I just didn’t know. I hasn’t sat around and read history books, and I hadn’t gotten interested in matters of ethics and where our principles came from. And I’d just been raised a certain way. That doesn’t make me mad. It’s just where I was on the journey. But, I didn’t really know why I believed what I did, which was the problem. Everyone has a path. Such was mine.

Anyway, I’ve been dealing lately with the great paradox of my current situation: I came to find what I know to be a more full truth. But that’s such a horrible thing to say these days. You’re not supposed to have strong opinions, because you look like a bigot. I’m not saying that I’m always right, or know everything. FAR from it. I just get mad when it seems that our culture refuses to allow a person to actually HAVE an opinion these days. I’m totally ok with people disagreeing. What I don’t like it being told I’m a bigot for actually believing in something.

But I can’t help but get mad sometimes. When I hear someone go and blatantly and confidently state utter MIStruths about a Christian faith, I get really worked up. It’s like hearing someone say bad things about your mother. Doesn’t go over well. If you don’t know what you’re talking about, that’s fine. Just don’t say anything. Please. I don’t go around talking about theology and politics all day because I’m not an expert at all. But not everyone does this. They spread heresy on facebook status updates. It’s really a pet peeve.

However, I realize what all the nay-sayers are thinking right at this moment. “If this Catholic faith of hers was real, she wouldn’t be struggling with these silly thoughts of anger and irritation for other people. What a hypocrite!”

And to some extent, I can see your point. But, where is it written that faith instantly makes us perfect? I’m still a human, trying to work though the emotions of being a human, try as I may. I know I shouldn’t be angry. I’m supposed to have patience and kindness toward others on their journey. I know that, but I’m not very good at it right now. I’m working on it. These days, though, I feel like everything I say is going to elicit a controversy. So many people have such hatred for Catholicism, but I’ve yet to hear one person yet with a good reason why (not quite true, but close). I have learned such wonderful things, and come in contact with such wonderful readings and prayers. I want to share with my friends things like praying the Rosary, and the inexplicable peace that comes with this simple prayer tool. But, I feel as though I cannot. Unless I want to deal with a barrage of negative questions, comments, and issues people have. In defense of a few really good friends, I have had a few good, meaningful, insightful talks in which questions have been asked on both sides, and new respect has been gained and maintained by both parties. I really enjoy discussing Catholicism with people who actually want to know about it, and are interested in getting to know why I might think what I do, or what the Catholic stance on things might be. I really dislike discussing it with those who come in assuming it’s some sort of evil, and just want to list off the reasons why they hate it, and I’m wrong, and their “new” version of faith is better. For the past year, I feel like I’ve been un-duly put on the defensive way too many times in my job, and I don’t want to be there anymore. I know, I’m whining.

This is mostly just a rant. I just can’t quite figure out why I feel this way. What I know right now is that I really appreciate the friends I have who trust me enough to challenge me, but also to honestly ask me questions about my faith, as they know that I’m not nuts, and hence, haven’t chosen a nutso faith. I also have learned this week that it is better to just “hide” the friends on facebook who have to constantly talk about their rock-star-jesus-musician statuses on their walls. It’s so not worth getting upset about, Amy. Just make it so you don’t have to see it anymore. Baby steps.

I know lots of people (ha! Who am I kidding? At least one or two people…) will read this and say, “She just needs to learn to be more tolorent.” That might be true. Like I said, I don’t get mad at people who are different. I get mad at people who brazenly claim to believe in the foundations of Christianity, but then deny each of these by accidently or intentional ignorance and a refusal to accept historically held beliefs. I guess I just have a sore spot from much of the things I was taught by the uber-charismatics, and hence, don’t want other people to have to go through the filtering process, only to learn that about 50% of their belief system is totally bogus. Sure, we as people can’t determine someone’s salvation (and I DEFINITELY don’t want to try), but we can know if they take faith seriously, but the decisions they make and the actions they choose. So, are some people outright wrong? Yes. I guess my problem is knowing how to deal with that, without blowing up on them and their ideas. I know sometimes I’m that person, too. That hypocrite. I’m trying.

Well, enough of this foolishness. I should just go to bed. Sometimes I’m probably too honest. Maybe this is a thought best left in my head, but there you have it. If you have questions about Catholicism, please feel free to ask. I just ask that you be civil about it. If you want to be hostile, talk to Harrison. He’s way better at those talks than I am. Mostly because my reaction (after a certain level of intentional contradiction of proven facts) is, “NO!!! You big dope!! Read a history book! Read a Biblical book! You’re WRONG!!!” Harrison, being a much better human than myself, responds in cool tones and calm body language. I aspire to such things. What a wimp, I am.

Alright, enough throwing to cyberspace with my immature emotions. I’m going to bed. It’s 2am.

-ap

"I want to believe, down to the letter." -otr

2009-09-24T20:42:00.000-04:00

There's a reason I called this blog "Brief Moments of Clarity."

I have this tendency (probably one of my weakest, and yet most prevalent tendencies) to focus way too much on specific things at specific times. Lately, I've (obviously) been really worked up about getting a job, or finding some sort of alternative career or education path. I went out to dinner with my dad tonight and talked all this out with him, which is nice, since he's not at all crazy, emotional and hyper like I am. Sometimes he drives me nuts because he doesn't say how he feels about anything, and he takes forever to make decisions. But when someone as nuts as I can be is running around, it's good to have a little calm and steady in the house.

When we got to dinner, the last thing I wanted to talk about was school and jobs. I've thought about nothing but them for a couple weeks, and my brain was feeling really, really tired. We small-talked for awhile, but of course, the issues came up. I started talking, without stopping myself, and I realized a few things.

Since I've started thinking about going back to school, I've looked into various programs and various sources of funding in various states. On one hand, going back to school seems like a really good, practical idea. Let's take nursing, for instance. Being that I already have a Bachelor's degree, I could go to school in FL and be an RN in only three semesters. It would cost less than $5k, and a good portion, if not all, of that quite possibly would be paid for by Florida's stimulus plan grants for educating and re-training displaced workers (i.e. me). Plus, I want a job that works closely with other people, and if I continue to work internationally, nursing would be a great asset. Starting pay for a nurse in the area is about $24 - $27/hour. Sounds great. But...

I have this nagging feeling. I'm not saying I won't go with this, or another similar plan. But, my real love, at the end of the day is... development. When it's all said and done, I think maybe the only way I could really enjoy doing something like nursing or teaching was if I felt like it was going to aid my development work (I should say, "..my former development work, but I'm hoping and praying my path in this field is not yet paved over for good...)... maybe. If I had to pick a skill that I felt was really my greatest asset, or my "real" gift, I think it would have to be administration. I like to see the big picture and find ways to make all the little pieces of the puzzle fit together and work most efficiently. That's why I love economics, and development, and I especially like it when most of those little pieces are people. I guess I'm capable of handling situations in which the pieces of the puzzle are less fun things, like numbers, equations, budgets and accounting figures. But I like it a whole lot more when they are humans. My passion for development and my skills in administration made me pretty good at my last job (I think), and I guess I've always thought these would be the skills I'd utilize most in any future job. But....

Last year, I worked my fair share of 50 and 55+ hour weeks, and I had no time at all for a social life. When I filed my taxes, I learned that I'd brought home just about as much money throughout the year a mid-level waitress in my city. Awesome. Also, I have no health insurance and my car is 15 years old. At some point, those issues are going to have to be resolved, and it would be sort of hard on this income. But really, the main issue is not the pay or hours. The real issue is that I just simply cannot find a job, not ANY job, in this field. No one ever said that this work was going to make you rich or make your life easy. I know that, and I signed on for it. But, not having the "perfect" job and not having a job at all are two really different things.

I'm not sure what to do with this dilemma. On one hand, I know that the ideas I had in college about life afterward were really romanticized. I was sure (at least at points) that I was going to find this great job (which I sort of did...?) that would last as long as I wanted (that's where I was mistaken) and would pay me enough to survive and live a somewhat comfortable existence (hmm...debatable). I was sold out to the idea of doing exactly what you love, and trusting that the details would take care of themselves. In an ideal world, I still think this is the right idea. But what do you do when you can't pay the bills? At some point, I'm afraid this logic will have me becoming that obnoxious aunt who lives far away and refuses to get a real job because she's SURE her stand-up act regaling the slapstick nature of child bearing and grocery shopping is going to take off soon and it'll be huge. That's not so cool after awhile.

I had all these friends in school who were willing to admit that they weren't exactly passionate about the graduate studies and career paths they were choosing. Rather, they were doing what they knew would bring them a big paycheck, and maybe a little satisfaction on the side. And I used to scoff at that, but in a practical sense, it isn't such a bad idea. I mean, they're going to finish school and even if they don't necessarily enjoy working, they'll be able to pay the bills and contribute to humanity through their work and finances, right? Meanwhile, the ones who followed passion could still be jobless and/or stuggling. It's hard to say.

I like to think that I've made wise choices in studying business and working hard in my past job. I like to think that those things are going to play in my favor in the future. At the moment, the thought of leaving the nonprofit/humanitarian/development field completely is saddening. But, there's also the bills to think about. And what about the future? And what about the times when you can't find work at all, and you're living on the humble savings from your last job? Those times make it hard to stick with passion. I can't decide what's smarter.

As I journey farther down the road, I'm not totally sure what might come up. At the moment, I know that I miss work. I miss hopping on planes and going to see people who have taught me more than I could ever teach them. I miss thinking about economics (other than my own). I also miss collecting a weekly paycheck, no matter how meager. I like to think that maybe any job I got in nursing or teaching could feel as meaningful. I've never had any other job, so I can't be sure. I have a slightly pinching feeling, though, that the answer might be "no." I can't be sure yet, of course. Still processing.

________

Back to the point.

Nights like tonight are the ones in which I find myself open to the unknown, and somehow, if only for a moment, ok with it. The nights when I'm willing to embrace what may or may not be. They are my little, and always brief, moments of clarity. Alcoholics Anonymous uses the term "moments of clarity" to refer to those times in which one is certainly aware of a problem, and ready to begin the battle (or maybe just the process) of solving it. (note: I didn't know this until a few weeks ago. Also, I wrote a song using the Serenity prayer as a bridge. Hmm. I swear I'm not masking an alcohol problem!) I guess I can relate to the sentiment, though, and that's a little bit what these nights feel like. ...Once in awhile it just seems that the madness (mostly in my head) stops, the curtains open up, and things are as they should be, like a well-set but empty stage, ready to be inhabited and animated the next day. I can't say I know who all the characters are just yet, or what the content of the coming scenes will be. But at least I know my guitar is on the stage, my skills are lying open and ready to be used, and I can jump in for my scene at a moment's notice, even if I stumble and trip on the way out. Most of the time I hate the unpreparedness of such moments, but once in a blue moon, I'm at peace with it.

________

In the very end, I'm not sure how much we're all supposed to live for passion vs. practicality. I choose to believe that I don't necessarily have to choose one way or the other. If that proves untrue, my only prayer at the moment is that I can feel some peace and purpose in going in another direction, and that I will somehow, someday, be led back to my "first love," if you will. Or, that I will fall in love with something else just as much, or something. In honesty, I guess there's a part of me that has been shying away from development work because I've seen things in business that I can't and won't approve of. The schmoozing, the 90% truths, but 10% untruths... it's just not my style. I guess, in a way, I've distanced myself from things because, in some way, I've thought that I'd rather just be blissfully ignorant about the ethics and practices of charities, rather than have to face the honest truth of the fact that a lot of companies don't operate by the rules I'd choose for them. I think I've needed a little time to process things from my last job, and figure out, for me, what was and what was not ok. But if I'm going to leave the field, jaded-ness can't be the reason. Throwing the baby out with the bath water just hurts the baby, and I don't like hurting babies.

Maybe I'm still in that process. I'm not sure. I just know, tonight, that I'm enjoying this brief moment, with my Over the Rhine album on and my hot chocolate with extra whipped cream ready to be drunk. I guess I can't really ask for much more than this.

Goodnight, all.

-ap

Further down the road.

2009-09-20T19:20:00.000-04:00

Warning you ahead of time, this is a ramble...

I'm been working on intentional optimism.

I really don't like being a pessimist. And I'm not really sure that I am, entirely. I just know I have a tendency to get really melancholy sometimes, and when I do, I annoy even myself.

So I've been trying to be intentional about being more positive. The past few weeks have been a trial of this, for sure. After checking employment websites every few days for months, and then really hitting it hard the last few weeks to no avail, my pessimism has really been scratching at the walls in full force.

But, there is hope, I hope. I've sent out somewhere between 75 and 100 resumes now, for everything from nonprofit low-level management to nannying and bank telling. I'm mostly just trying to be employed, and think about the "perfect" job later. I feel like one of these things has to work out. As much as I may start to feel unintelligent and unemployable in my most emo moments, I know it's really not true. It's just a matter of time. (I hope.)

Anyway, in the light of all of this, I am enjoying a good PA fall. It's so beautiful here. Just going for a walk at the end of the day is so great in this weather, not to mention the fact that I got to pull out the jeans and boots yesterday, which is a much-anticipated event for me every year. (Not snow boots, just close-toed shoes.) Also, on another note of things-to-look-forward-to, I've been giving some serious consideration to going back to school.

I've wanted to go back to school since.. well... pretty much as soon as I stopped going. I just like it... the life, the schedule, the learning-as-a-job, the fact that you get to focus so much. I didn't go to grad school right away because I wasn't really sure exactly what I'd want to go for. I guess that was a good decision, maybe. Over the past year, I've thought about various subjects for further study. I was pretty sure I wanted to go back for Development Economics, and while I still would like to do that (Why do we only get one lifetime to live, anyway?), I've been considering recently the cost/benefit of such a decision.

I'm a big fan of education. I support going to school just to learn about things, even if there is no big paycheck at the end. I get that, and I think knowledge for the sake of learning is a good idea. However, one must consider the practicality of life after college when making such a decision. If you're going to do something "impractical," you pretty much have to carry it out to the academic end in order to pay your bills after college. (If I get an M.A. in Development Econ, is it really going to help me get a job... ever?) I know there has to be a balance, I'm just trying to figure out what that IS. I thought I was being really practical by majoring in business (plus, I do enjoy administration, just not accounting so much). I got out of school and got a job right away, and did well for myself. But, after losing that job, I realize that there are precious few others to take its place. Maybe I just don't have the right networking or something. But anyway, aside from the nonprofit sector, I don't really have much interest in working in business. I don't want to be an accountant, or a financial advisor, and I really like people, which separates me from most of the business classmates I had. Hmm. I don't know. Makes me wonder if my romantic ideas of employment in college were just that, ideas. And if I should've studied something I maybe loved less, but would be a more secure job in the future?? Are we really supposed to make decisions that way? Seems a little inhuman, but... I can't decide which is better, or if one has to be.

Anyway, after some consideration, I've been thinking a lot about returning to school for something entirely different. Maybe nursing. Maybe teaching. If I continue to travel internationally and work in business, certainly a nursing degree would be really useful. I can list off lots of ways that business and nursing could go together. But... they're just ideas, and I'm not so sure if I trust my ideas about these things. If I stay in the States, both are handy. I find myself lately wishing I'd made a different decision about school when I was younger. But I'm trying to remind myself that my year of experience was well worth it, and that getting a business degree and working in business wasn't a waste for my future jobs (plus, it was pretty fun). Maybe that's just what people who spent a few years doing one thing, only to discover that it doesn't have much of a future tell themselves to feel better. Or, maybe it's true. I don't know. Any thoughts??

Two things are for sure (I think). I want to work, and I want to go back to school. But that's about all I know. I have thought a lot about nursing, but I also really want to consider all sides of things before I just headlong into something. I know this isn't really true, but I do feel like I'm really behind the curve sometimes. I have a brain, and a responsibility to use it. I feel like I should be in school, pursuing something that really optimized my human potential for good. (I'll admit, freshman finance wasn't exactly a brain-teaser.) But I'm not... I'm in my parent's house trying to find a job because I can't support myself on last year's earnings. (!!) Meanwhile, my friends are all studying for very useful and lucrative careers. I'm 23. It's not like it's too late, but I do feel behind in occasional moments. I envy those people who just "knew" what they wanted to do, and how, from a young age.

Wherever this path leads, I hope is starts moving sometime soon. I know that "life" is what I'm living now, and I promise I really am trying to acknowledge that more fully. I just think I'd feel better if this path had a defined goal, or end. The longer I wait, the more strange I feel about going back. I think getting a job and taking classes at night would suit me quite well right now.

Sorry for the rant. I'll write about something more useful soon. !

-ap

How does this happen?

2009-09-15T20:41:00.000-04:00

I don't quite get the way brains work. Or, rather, just the way mine does.

Since I've gotten back to PA, I've been feeling pretty good. I got to hang out with my family last weekend, and being in Pennsylvania in September is pretty awesome. Last weekend I went to a family birthday party in Ohio, which turned out to be a lot of fun, and yesterday I managed to apply for 14 jobs in one day, which I was pretty proud of. (I realize that sending out a gazillion resumes does not put me any closer to actual employment, but at least it makes me feel better. Like I'm doing SOMEthing.)

Anyway, everything was good and well, and then this afternoon came along, and all of a sudden, I'm down in the dumps. I can't really understand how this always happens when I'm home. I love coming home, and I like this time of year, especially. But when everyone is gone... well... it gets hard to stay positive. For the first time, (I think) I feel like I really don't belong here. Like this isn't my home anymore. I know, it's really dramatic.

I don't know. I can usually manage here for about a month before this sets in. Furthermore, my friend Lisa's wedding is this weekend and I really would like to go, but with no income and no real prospects of getting any, I think I need to live on the cheap for awhile, and a weekend trip to South Carolina is unfortunately not fitting in. Sigh. I'm not sure what to do.

Anyway, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I know I'm going to look back at all of this in a couple months and think about how silly and pathetic I'm being. But at the moment... well, maybe it's reality. And on a separate note, I got to spend almost a whole month with Harrison before I came home. And I think I'm on withdrawl now or something. I'm so mad about having to go back to only digitally communicating with him. I'm just in a better mood when he's around. Even when I get mad at him for having to read 300 pages a day. At least if I'm sitting on the couch looking for jobs and he's reading, I can stop and talk to him for a moment. It could be worse, and again, I know... I'm a big wimp.

Tomorrow I'm going to pick up my guitar and try to start writing again. It's been awhile. That usually brightens the mood a little. Also, I'm going to try to catch up with some friends in town, and maybe order a book I've really been wanting to read. Being that it's $1.64 on Amazon, I think I can lend myself the guilty pleasure of ordering it! ha.

Raise your glasses. Here's to better days.

amy

Welcome Home.

2009-09-11T19:49:00.000-04:00

I got back into Franklin last night, at about 2am. Aside from a canceled flight on Wednesday, travel was uneventful. I was greeted by a very pleasant 61 degree temperature and a crisp breeze. Oh, the beauty of Pennsylvania in the Fall.

I'm glad to be home, but I would certainly rather be here under different circumstances. I've really been thinking about the idea of doing more school, and going in a nursing or teaching admin. direction rather than just the business admin. Anyway, I've been applying for jobs constantly, and something has to work out eventually. It's strange, though, to try to explain to everyone why I'm home, but not sound pathetic and depressing!

Anyway, while I am here, I'm going to try to make good use of my time. There are a few books I've had on the reading list for months that need some attention, and I'm going to try to write about the topics on my ever-growing "things to write about" lists. I'm relatively depressed about my album at the moment, and the fact that, as a result of a bit of poor recording, I'm probably going to have to eliminate one of the songs. That's upsetting, after the amount of money I've already put into it. It's only one song, I get it. But still.... each of those songs was a lot of money, and now I have to lose one, or spend a ton to get it finished, which just isn't an option at the moment. Blah. Anyway, I'm going to try to move forward and get that done, even at 6 tracks instead of 7. If any of you know much about getting songs online, registering for iTunes, getting them on facebook/myspace, etc., please let me know. The website part is ok... but I have no idea how to start getting them online to actually be PURCHASED there, which would be some very welcome income at the moment!

Being home in the Fall makes me feel like I'm in high school again. Haven't been here this time of year since then. Tonight, I'm going to watch a movie, drink hot chocolate, eat some raisinets, and maybe apply for a few more jobs. Life isn't so bad, I guess :)

Disenfranchised Proletariat

2009-09-07T17:05:00.000-04:00

I'm trying really hard to have some good, healthy perspective right now. REALLY hard.

So today, after telling myself all of last week and this that my current status as "unemployed" was going to suit me just fine for a few weeks, I got a sad blow.

Apparently, without knowing it, I have been incorrectly filing my unemployment for the last 8 weeks, or so they tell me. We're doing some investigating, because I was absolutely misled by Justin-the-office-guy when I filled out my claim, but nonetheless... here's the punch. According to FL unemployment, I now own THEM money in excess of $2,200. Awesome. Just what I needed.

When I got my hours reduced from 40/week to 20/week at the beginning of the summer, I tried to stay positive, and to not think about the fact that my reduction may or may not have been necessary. My dad told me not to be angry, because it wouldn't help, and I really tried to take his advice. I'll admit, it wasn't easy for me, seeing as I wasn't sure the story I was getting wasn't leaving a few things out, but hey... I didn't really know that, and everyone's entitled to handle things as they choose. So I just dealt with it. When I got moved home shortly thereafter, my mom told me that I should try applying for unemployment. I wasn't sure about the idea, but I decided to try it, anyway. Much to my surprise, the state of FL informed me that as a working citizen who has been and will be paying into the system for the rest of my life, I was entitled to receive a portion of what I would have made, had I not been laid off. This was a pleasant and unexpected blessing, seeing as the bills kept coming whether I was in FL or at home.

So, for 2+ months, I saved as much as I could, and tried to live off of my part time wages. I thought to myself, "You know, having moved home, I'm able to make this work. If I can just save some now, I'll be ok if I should get completely laid off soon." Then, about 2 weeks later, I did. BUT.. my savings! I would be ok!

I started interviewing for jobs and making plans, and I've been feeling pretty optimistic despite my Standing Member status in the disenfranchised proletariat. Then today, I called the unemployment office to inform them I'd been laid off entirely, and they told me that they've been overpaying me, and now I owe them a bunch of money. That's surprising, considering I clarified my situation about a thousand times with Mr. Justin, and even more surprising considering that what they were paying me weekly was a mere 25% of my pre-layoff wages. (not to mention the fact that I have literally, no exaggeration, called them over 100 times this summer, and gotten someone on the phone a grand total of twice.) Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to complain. I was very glad to be able to get by at all this summer. But now, to be informed that this was an OVERpayment... that's a shock!

So... I'm trying to have good perspective. I don't want to be mad at my employer for laying me off, whether I agree with it or not, because I was lucky to have a job for a year in first place. And I don't want to be mad at the unemployment office, because the unemployment benefits are a blessing to have at all (maybe this is all over-optimism for the sake of not being over-mad, but I'll take what I can get, for now). It's hard, though. I don't know what I'm going to do now. I, like the other 10% of the country who shares my fate, have been searching and applying for jobs over the past few months like it's my...oh wait, it is my job. I've sent a lot of resumes. I've had one interview, and I'm on the substitute list at one school. That's my only lead.

I'm thinking about going back to school, about trying to nanny for awhile to save money for school, about continuing the business development search, about... well, just about everything. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. For now, I'm trying to be thankful for what I have, as cliche as that might seem. I'm in FL for a few more days with Harrison, and that's a very good thing. I return home to my family, my guitar, my room. Those are good things, too. And I'm not starving, so I'm pretty sure I'll make it.

To the rest of you who are searching, I feel your pain. Hopefully this will clean up soon. In the meantime, let's try to remember that we are pretty lucky to have what we do, and that it'll work itself out, somehow.

-ap

LONG time coming.

2009-08-30T18:02:00.000-04:00

Ok, so I know it's been a pathetically long time since I've sat down in one place long enough to write out any of my thoughts. That's probably the immediate result of a few things:

1. I've been traveling for a month straight now... first 2 weeks in OKC with Harrison, then a week in FL to help him get moved into grad school, then a week in Haiti to visit everyone.

2. As a result of many of the past month's occurrences and changes, I've had way too many thoughts in my head to get any of them organized. Hence, no writing.

Anyway, I'm heading home (to PA) on Sunday. At that point, I hope to take a few days for a long-time-coming breather, free from the stress of work and not-knowingness.

Anyway, a few things in the meantime. I am actually going to try to write these out someday, and not just keep making lists of things to write about. Really. (*promising myself*).

1. I've been in Haiti this week, and I met a blind woman today who is basically raising 7 children, 3 of which are also blind. Her story is quite incredible. I will tell it to you later. I can't even process yet the strength she must have.

2. I think I'm moving back to FL in a few weeks.

3. The occasional loveliness of struggle, and the freedom that can come from telling yourself it's ok to not know all the answers today. Or maybe, ever.

4. Catholicism, and the way it is changing so much for me. I've never been a defender when it comes to things of religion... more of a participant who would leave the arguing to the arguers. I still prefer it that way, but in making my transition from ORUish-ness to Catholicism, there are lots of people asking questions. While I don't promise a perfect explanation, I do think it's legit for people to wonder how this came about, and instead of being mad about having to explain myself (I hate explaining things), I should just do it. Soon.

5. Sort of related to 4, but not totally --- my thoughts on birth control. Why it can be good, why it can be bad, and why I think people should care about it.

I miss writing. I'm going to try to get better at keeping up with it in my new-found free time.

amy

Thoughts to write about soon:

2009-07-30T23:40:00.000-04:00

1. Independence of young persons -- learning to grow healthfully away from family

2. Sex is not a right, or a need. You won't die without it. It's a gift. And just because you're married doesn't mean you can have all the sex you want whenever you want without restraint. We are still to be temperate.

3. Singleness/marriedness. Transitions and socialization.

Just so I don't forget.

I love little towns, and I wish for simplicity.

2009-07-30T00:06:00.000-04:00

My sister is here this week. When my siblings are around, it seems so much easier to experience the lovely things about Franklin. We went downtown today for lunch, a visit with a friend at her home, and a visit to the coffeeshop. I found myself conversing with Hillary about living in a place like this... what it would be like (as though we'd never experienced it), and all the pros and cons of such a location.

It's great to be in a place where everyone mostly knows everyone else. Hillary made pasta primavera last night almost entirely from our garden. You can walk from one end of town to the other in 10 minutes, but drive in the country for miles and still be in the county. It's quite nice.

I think the one thing I most envy about this place might not even be real. I imagine that lots of people living here are very content with it. I imagine that they don't sit around questioning whether or not they should be somewhere else. I imagine that they are perfectly happy with what this town does (or doesn't) have to offer them, and that they never (or at least, rarely) think they've thrown something better away by being here.

My sister told me last week that the only way for me to get swept up in an idyllic life would be for me to stop thinking. That might sound pessimistic, but women like Hill and I learn to recognize that our brains just work on overdrive a lot of the time, and it's not always bad. Granted, I'll admit my occasional (ok, maybe I'm being too kind to myself..) penchant for pessimism. (It's not to say that others are doing something wrong by not thinking all day. Some people just don't. I'm not even going to get into that right now.) In fact, my envy could be restated as covetousness of those who are able to just look at a situation, evaluate it, and say, "This is good. I take it. That is Bad. I reject it," without 2 years of analyzing every possible way the situation could work out and constantly wondering if there is an alternate situation (or variation of the current one) that would be a better optimization of his/her human potential.

I don't want to quit thinking. It's good in most situations. Sometimes I'm just envious of those who don't do it quite so much. So it goes. There's that pessimism! Maybe I should set a new-season-resolution about that...???

Anyway, I'm glad Hillary's here for a week. It's good to have her. Lots of music, talks, and excellent meals to be had. Sisters are good for calming the nerves sometimes.

I'll be interested to read more about this....

2009-07-28T21:34:00.001-04:00

"Upcoming movie to portray heroic nun who rescued kidnapped students from Lord's Resistance Army"

http://www.catholicnewsagency.com/new.php?n=16676

newest celebrity trend??

2009-07-28T11:48:00.000-04:00

I saw two notices on TV this morning about celebrities (Sarah Jessica Parker and Peri Gilpin) having babies via "surrogates." WHAT!?! I have no problem with surrogacy if you just can't get pregnant (although, as with most things, I ask people to more seriously consider adoption... there are 148 million kids without parents in our world), but if it's just for convenience... now that's just wrong.

Who knows what these ladies' reasons were. SJP claims she couldn't get pregnant. Don't know what Peri says. I just hope to God this doesn't become a trend. Reportedly, the lady who birthed Peri's twin girls was paid something like $50,000 plus a trip to Hawaii. Man, maybe I should forget this career thing and just sell my womb.

Not quite.

The Great Struggle of Women.

2009-07-27T10:38:00.000-04:00

I came to Detroit this weekend to visit my friend Abbey. It's been just lovely to catch up. I think a change of scenery can certainly do you well sometimes, not to mention the company of an old and close friend. Abbey empirically knows me better than most other humans on the planet, so being around makes me feel... well... stabilized. I like helping her around her house, and seeing movies and chatting and making salmon burgers.

One of the many chats (well, more than one actually. It's been sort of on-going) we've had this weekend has been about having babies. (Not in the "I'm doing this" way, but just in the "someday" way.) We talked a lot about this great divide that is present for women in this generation. In the olden days, women didn't get a choice. They were baby-makers, who stayed home with family and took care of the house. And everyone said that was really awful. Nowadays, women have tons of choices, which is a good thing, but it's just like us rich people (Americans).... we then have an ethical dilemma over the options we have.

Really, choices are a luxury of the rich. And I'm glad for such things. I mean, I would not be very happy about being denied education as a result of my gender. Or voting rights. Or the opportunity to pursue my music or a job. I'm a 100% believer that women are more than adept at many jobs in the workforce and the home/community. But...

It's been proven a billion times over (take a look at your local elementary school) that the liberated woman working full time AND having children does not work so well. Not that it can't be done, but it's hard. You get to be a part of your child's life, but you can't really say YOU are the one raising your child when he/she spends 9 hours of every day with a nanny. Yes, I'm saying this without the benefit of experience, but I know when I was a kid and my mom started working, I hated it. And she only worked 2 days a week. AND I was staying with my grandpa! Kids need parented. Not just nannied.

So, what is a young woman to do? These days, it seems that a lot of women are planning out an education that won't end until they are 30, at which point they're supposed to start a career. Or, they graduate in their early 20s, and start one then. Either way, the "building" phase of a career is going to fall right around the same time that biology tells you to have a kid before it's too late (for you and the kid). What do you do?

I highly value education and women therein. I highly value professionalism and women therein. I highly value family and the women therein. Problem is.. I don't think you get to have your cake and eat it, too?. Here's another startling statistic....

Women these days are having kids later and later. You know what that means? Less and less time for grandparents to be with grandkids. Think about what a detriment that is the family structure. If the average woman has a baby at 30, let's say, that means that G-ma is already 60 when Baby is born. So, G-ma will have about 15 years with Baby. That's not terrible. Until you think about the trend. At one point in my family, there were FIVE living generations. So much to learn!!! Family reunions in that situation are like history lessons! But soon, in the liberation of humans, even a 3-generation family will be a thing of the past. Sad news for everyone. Really.

AND... Americans and Europeans are reproducing at this point at a rate of 1.6 births/family. Economists and Sociologists have done the research to prove that in order to even sustain a culture, this rate must be at LEAST 2.11. (Every 2 people replacing themselves with 2 more, and accounting for early death rates, etc.) No culture in history has ever recovered from a rate of less than 1.8 births/family. You know what Europe's is? 1.38. Yep. And the US? 1.6, but thanks to Latino immigration, we are up to the bare minimum, 2.11. I know these might sound like nerdy numbers, but think of it this way... Muslim families' birth rate is over 3.1. Regardless of what you might think about the religion, you cannot argue that its influence will not destroy (replace...completely change...) the culture of the West. I'm not enough of a relativist to say that its principles are ok for guiding a nation or continent. But we Americans, we treat babies like luxury items rather than gifts, and hence, we are destroying ourselves and our own culture. Don't you think this is inhuman? It's like cultural suicide, and we're all ok with it, in the name of "choice." The German Federal Statistics Office recently released a statement saying, "The fall in the German population can no longer be stopped. Its downward spiral is no longer reversible. It will be a Muslim state by the year 2050." Even aside from any religious view, are we really going to be ok with cultures full of art, music, personage, ending? We can blame no one but ourselves, our own ideologies of convenience that have taught us that having babies on "our" time is the best way to go. I get it, and I totally see both sides but... Sort of scary, huh? Is having kids now a religious and patriotic act? Or just an end to the rampant selfishness that fuels our entire society..? Yes, it's a HUGE responsibility to have a child. But, apparently NOT having one is a big responsibility, too. Just depends what you want to be responsible for...? Most people would use the word "oppressed" to describe women in some Islamic cultures (the stats on genital mutilation are enough to scare most anyone). But, will our Western liberation of the family structure (use of contraceptives for convenience, lower birth rate, etc.) ultimately cause our women to become those in oppression? Yikes. It's an extreme to make a point, but worthy of thought.

Regardless, I have a budding career, and I'm in the boat with everyone else. I'm just hoping we at least think about it. Maybe getting letters after our names or "the" job is less important than other things. Maybe. I have the ambition of a young, educated American girl, too. But I wonder sometimes if (/I know) our human responsibility is more than what we've been told. There used to be this awful stigma against working women. Now there is perhaps a more awful one toward women who stay in the home. Personally, I have always wanted to work. But I'd rather find a new way to be human, than just accept that my kids will suffer for my choice to chase a career. (There are tons of things to be said about men here, too, but for the sake of time...)

Maybe there is another way. Maybe working from home will become more possible for our generation (and already has). Maybe career will just have to wait. It's funny how we have a hard time saying that, and yet, saying "I'm waiting to have children" is totally normal.

I struggle with this a lot. I think maybe the real answer is... Don't try to plan your whole life out today (you don't know what might come up, or when), but be aware that following every American notion (I want MY career, when I want it, family can wait) is sometimes just following every selfish notion. Not always, but sometimes.

I've thought about this enough for one day. Anyone want to share thoughts?

love,

Being a big kid is No Fun.

2009-07-21T15:56:00.000-04:00

What a week.

I came over to York, PA from Franklin last weekend to be with my dear friend Joy. Her father passed away after a 12-month-plus battle with cancer. He was 53. Joy is a tough cookie, as are her sisters and mother, but I knew she might need a little distraction. So I drove over and I've been busying myself with helping out however I can for the last few days. I'm quite glad for friends like Joy. She's stood by me through a lot, and I'm glad I've been able to be here with her now, in her tough time. The funeral is this evening, and she is sitting across from me at the moment writing out funny stories about her dad to share. If all goes according to plan, this service will be a great celebration of Mr. Cashman's life. She is fortunate to have had a father like him.

Also this morning, I got an email from the job I'd been looking into/hoping for. I've been trying not to get my hopes up for the job, since I didn't really have any great guarantee about it, and it really is the first one I've seriously considered. However, in typical Amy fashion, I thought about it a ton, and hence, formed the hopes I was trying to avoid. The email I got today said they are, in fact, hiring for a position, but it seems that the position is a little different than I'd originally been told (you know how these things can change quickly). So, I may not be qualified for what it's morphed itself into. Should I be disappointed? No. Certainly I've learned a lot this week about being grateful and not sweating the small stuff. But still, I'm a little bummed out.

I'm going to do the proper HR thing and email the Lady in Charge, anyway. Maybe it'll still work out. Sometimes I hate being all professional and grown up about things. Can't people just sit over a cup of coffee and decide things, anymore?

Also, on the HomeFront, it seems that we somewhat narrowly escaped another immediate family member's job loss today. Geez. I thought this economy thing was supposed to be getting better? Anyway, thank God he was not laid off today.

Attempted Priority Reevaluation for today:

1. Remember what really matters. Our families, friends, faith, communities... laughing. These will keep us sane. I've certainly seen that in action this week.

2. Everyone is fighting a battle. We should be nice to each other. (There's some great quote from Plato or one of his cohorts that says that in a really brilliant, philosophy-ish way. Today I vote for the 3rd grade English class interpretation.)

I don't like formatting.

2009-07-16T13:55:00.001-04:00

I'm trying to figure out how to format this page. These awesome green dots are not going to last long for me. Bear with me. I'm working on it!

Starting Somewhere.

2009-06-28T16:27:00.000-04:00

I've decided to start using this blog page instead of my former method, facebook.

There are a few reasons for this. Partially, I think that the whole facebook thing is just starting to get under my skin, with the 14 year olds on the page, and the fact that it's really a place I use mostly for work now, which is ok, but different than the original purpose. Also, it seems these days that a lot of my thoughts are shorter an more concise, puzzle pieces if you will, rather than fully developed essays. I don't want to post 108 facebook notes every week about random thoughts I've had, but that seems more appropriate here. Who knows, I might still use facebook from time to time, but I'd rather try this out.

Today, I've mostly been thinking about family, old friends, and the idea of progress. I wonder if places like Franklin, where I grew up, will even exist by the time the next generation comes around. Yesterday I went to a graduation party with a family who has literally known my family for generations. 3, I think. It was nostalgic, a bit upsetting (to see the lack of generations alive in my family, now) and overall, fun, but a bit of a tear-jerker, which was definitely not expected. It is great, though, to see that some families still stick together in one location. I miss the town where everyone knows everyone, and community is not a buzz word, but just a fact of life. I feel a little like Spock sometimes, watching my world fade away without any possibility of doing anything about it.

Anyway, there's too much to that to really get into right now. Elizabeth, Tiffany and Lisa area in town for Lisa's bridal shower (I almost typed "baby shower" right there... whoa). So, I'm going downtown to see them. I miss the girls, and it should be a good time.

Until next time,